Insomniac's blog

So, it has been awhile since I posted here. Part of it is because I have been using facebook through my school. Another, and even bigger part of it, has been that I have been extremely busy. Swamped I would say. The entire month of October had me like a chicken with my head cut off, although I didn't die and I didn't flop around too much. Since my last posting I have presented at two conferences; the North American Labor History Conference at Wayne State University in Detroit, Michigan, and the Great Lakes History Conference at my alma mater, GVSU. Both presentations went just fine. The Labor Conference was a great success and I got to meet a few people who may be of interest to me later in my career. Oh, and at the reception that evening after my presentation I was asked out to dinner by a guy from Canada. Nice, eh? Of course I turned him down and headed home like a good wife and mom. I got a little lost in a rather shady area of Detroit while I was hunting for the expressway, but I made it home safe and sound. The Great Lakes Conference was the same weekend and I presented my summer research paper on post-WWII Dutch Immigration to the US. That too went over fine and I had a fantabulous time with FOM (Friend of Mine) and a rather handsome and intelligent newer acquaintance.

I also spoke about the MEAP testing in Dr. Rob's class and about my battles with trying to opt my daughter out of MEAP testing. That is a whole story within itself which I won't get into right now because it is long and tedious. Needless to say, I got the opt out for her and things are settling down at her school. I also was asked to guest lecture on the Dutch immigration paper in a history class on the 15th of this month. So, things are looking quite well for me on the academic plane. I'm working on my last project for my undergrad right now and things are progressing slowly...mostly because I have been dragging my heels a bit on it. I also took an internship with one of the profs in the history department. It is a shared internship with me and my new handsome and intelligent acquaintance (maybe I should call him my HIA?). Anyhow, that has kept me busy too.

On the personal end of things, Myah turned 14 in October and I am feeling a wee bit on the old side. Of course, I do ever time she has a birthday. I think part of it is because I had her so young that I always am surprised at how well I have done with the whole parenting thing thus far. Not to pat myself on the back or anything, but she really is a great kid. Princess is enjoying kindergarten and is learning her letters and numbers quickly (she takes after her Mama, in intelligence and in attitude...watch out world!). The Boy is a little on the cranky side lately. I think it is because I have been gone a lot and he is a little lost without me around. Darling Husband is done with one of his classes and he got an A- in English Comp! Woo-hoo! He was very pleased with himself and I was relieved that it was over. My soon-to-be-gotten other Bachelor's degree is in English Language and Literature and I was Darling's unofficial tutor and part-time teacher. I am very happy for him though since he did work hard at getting that grade. Plus, he's been out of school for 15 years. It takes awhile to get back into it.

Anyhow, the month of November looks a little less hectic. Just the one last project, a guest lecturer spot, and a few other meetings and such and I am set. In a little more than 6 weeks I will officially graduate and be done with GVSU as a student. I go back next semester for my internship but that's it. Oh, and I did take the Graduate Records Exam for admission into graduate school. It didn't go very well but I am hoping that my service and conference presentations on my academic resume make me shine a bit more brightly. I have an appointment this month at Michigan State University to check out their graduate program in History. Hopefully, I will get in and all will be fine. I won't know if I got in until about March or April. So, cross your fingers and shoot a prayer up for me, cuz I'll probably need it!

So, the title is a little misleading. I would have liked to have drank my way into oblivion this weekend, but instead, I suffered through a horrendous round of the 24 hour stomach flu (yes, you may all "ewwwwhhh" for me). Not only that, but as soon as I recovered I had to bake a cake and put on a birthday party for my four year old son, called "The Boy" here. Everything went well at the birthday party and I managed to appear halfway normal even though my stomach was still doing whirly-flops. Needless to say, I did NOT eat cake or ice cream. So, now I have massive amounts of reading to finish before my Wednesday night class and I still have to finish my summer research paper. Egads! I truly believe there is no rest for the wicked...perhaps this is all penance for the partying I did in my earlier years?

So, today is my anniversary. Twelve years to the same man! Whew, I need a cigarette! It hasn't been all roses and sunshine but it hasn't been all that horrible either. So, what did we do for the anniversary? Since neither of us are mushy flowers and chocolates types, we spent yesterday doing something I have wanted to do all summer. Yep, we toured Michigan State University. That's where I want to go to Graduate school. And, since MSU's classes start on Monday the place was absolutely swamped with students! I knew that MSU was huge, but with the thousands upon thousands of students there it seemed so much larger. Darling and I had a nice lunch and wandered about East Lansing a bit. We walked around the campus and found the building where the history department is and the university's museum and other interesting buildings. Then we got some coffee, sat down, and talked. I was a little apprehensive (read scared shitless) about the size of the place and about the approaching possibility of actually being a grad student there next fall. I asked Darling if he could see me as a grad student at MSU and the wonderful man said, "Yeah. You could do it. I could even see you teaching here". And people wonder why I keep him around? Seriously though, I really needed to hear that and I felt much more confident after that. Anyhow, after we wandered a bit more, I started feeling more comfortable. I actually think I could do this. I could go to grad school and make it. I will make it.

On a completely different track, I got mightily pissed today. I've been working on a collaborative group project for the last year and we finally are almost done. It is a documentary and I was told by those in charge of it that I would be named in the credits as a research assistant/historical advisor. Well, I got a listing of the credits today (before they go on the actual film reel) and guess what? No listing for the Nita. Oh yeah. I was beyond that mad. I called the guy in charge of it and had a few things to say. He apologized and said he forgot (yeah, riiiiggghhhtt) and said he would make sure I was added in the credits. It isn't a big deal about credits, after all, who watches the credits? But, I have worked hard and it pisses me off that I was ignored for my part of it. Other people who worked on the project were given due credit but me. Perhaps I am being whiny about it, but I am not the type to snub those who have helped me and I don't like being snubbed myself. We'll see what happens with it all. I can be quite a bitch about things when needs be.

Anyhow, that's about it. I'm still working on my summer research paper. I have three pages out of forty written and it is due on Friday! Yikes! I better get back to work...

So, not too much going on in the life of Nita. I've been working on my research (by the way, I should be reading one of my background info books right now, but I'm tired and my feet hurt...which has nothing to do with reading, go figure). The research is progressing quite wonderfully now. I've found my central focus and since the archives I'm working with is so large and there are so many directions to go in, I have to keep my focus on just a few things and not all over which would make my paper way too broad. I have about a week and a half to finish up the research and write a whopping 30-40 pages on it. Let's just say that Nita is going to be sucking down lots of coffee and smoking lots of cigarettes. I have this horrible habit of smoking a cigarette for each page I write. I hand write all my papers ahead of time because it is easier for me to stay focused when I write things.

Since this is a random news posting, I will jump into another topic without any transitional sentence...My FOM (Friend of Mine) is seriously considering a position in Duluth, Minnesota. I was shocked when he told me about it and very sad in a way. I mean, I want what is best for him and for his career pursuits but, for very selfish reasons, I would like him to stay around here for awhile. He is so much like me personality-wise and I don't have to pretend to be someone else when we are around each other. That is a weird thing about me...I really don't fit in with anyone in every way like I do with FOM. I mean, who else can I bitch to and laugh with and slug coffee with without feeling like they just don't get me? Oh well. I guess what I am trying to say is that I have become very attached to him. If he does decide to move to Minne-freezing-sota then I shall wish him well and miss him horribly.

In other random news, my middle brother is being a total pain in the ass. He is the same brother who is basically racist, who tries to make himself out to be a perfect Christian when he is really a horrendous hypocrit, and who constantly tries to make everyone live up to his own screwed up system of ethics. Very frustrating. Well, Big Brother decided to give our mom hell because she hasn't been around to visit his kids in two weeks. She went over on Monday night and spent two hours at their house but for Big Brother two hours wasn't enough. So he calls Mom this morning and chews on her leg about not spending equal time with grandkids (she has 11 grandkids) and that she favors me too much. Of course my mom favors me! We are very close and I am her only girl so it is natural that she bonds with me more. But, Big Brother has a bad case of sibling rivalry...which is pretty damn bad considering he is 36 and I am 31. He told my mom that I am just using her and as soon as I don't need her I would stop calling her and taking her out for coffee and such. Ohhh yeah, that pissed me off something severe! First of all, my mom volunteered to watch my kids while I was in school...I never asked her. Secondly, I have always spent time every week with my mom since I was 17...coffee or dinners out or shopping or whatever. Thirdly, Big Brother wouldn't be happy if mom did spend more time over at his house visiting because he is the type who loves misery--both his own and others. Big Brother and his wife (the Sister-In-Law from Hades) have one of those cancerous types of relationships---they are malignant when they are around each other and they invade other normal and happy people to cause misery and woe. I am so tempted to call him up and chew on his leg for awhile but I know it wouldn't do any good. He would just play the victim of a random Nita attack and get all defensive and then things would really get out of hand and calls would be made to the other siblings and war camps would be set up and all hell would break loose. So, why bother? Let him stew in his misery and I will just write him off. I really do not have time for ignorant, racists, holier-than-thou, pig-headed, pedantic jerks in my life, regardless if he is my brother. Sigh...big families suck sometimes.

Okay. That's about it. Oh, Darling Husband and I are headed off next weekend for a wonderful kid-free weekend alone. It will be our 12th anniversary and it has been 12 years since we had a kid-free overnight vacation. Hallelujah!!!

Wow, it has been a long time since I posted. Where to start with updating my few readers? Hmmmm, let me think... Classes are done for now. I believe I did okay in my English capstone (final undergrad English literature course). Grades don't come in till next week, but I got a 100% on my midterm and a 96% on my first paper, if that is any indicator on my final grade. My indy study went fine. I was a little lax in my responsibilities for it but I will be fine, I think. Ummm, other than the grades, school has taken a dramatic turn for me. I dropped out of the teacher prep courses at GVSU. Now, before the Amazing Raye, Beck, Jon, and the assorted others freak the hell out, let me explain why.

I dropped the teacher ed program because I am going to apply for graduate schools this December. Yep, Darling Husband has decided to financially support me for another seven years of schooling. He is wonderful. I am going to pursue a PhD in U.S. history with a focus on labor and industrial history, U.S. immigration history, and the 20th century. Since I cannot pack up the family and go to grad school anywhere, I have decided to apply at Michigan State University and Western Michigan University. My preference is MSU, but we will see if I get in and if I get funding. Funding is the most significant right now since I am just a poor undergrad with all those little mouths to feed and feet to shod. Hee hee. But seriously, if I did the teacher ed program at GVSU then I would have one hell of a busy final year at GVSU and it would make getting my two articles finished and published extremely difficult. Not only that but I would like to have one semester to spend with my kids before the hectic pace of grad school starts. I will still get a BA in English with secondary ed emphasis and a BA in history with secondary ed emphasis, but I just wouldn't be certified in Michigan to teach. To tell you the truth, I really didn't want to teach high school anyway. The teacher ed program was just a fallback in case I couldn't cut it in grad school. And, if things do not work out in grad school, I do have the option of coming back to GVSU and taking two courses, my student assisting and student teaching and then receiving my Masters in Ed. So, I will graduate GVSU in December. I have just my History Capstone left and then I am officially done. Wow. In a way it is kinda scary. I will miss GVSU and all the fine people I have met and my friends. Grad school is unchartered territory where I will have to compete with people who are very intelligent and very committed to doing their best. Of course, now that I think about it, pursuing an undergrad degree was unchartered territory for me also. I am the first person in my family and in Darling Husband's family to get a Bachelor's Degree. I'm a little cautious as of now on everything but I am certain I will make it and will get that PhD.

Okay, enough about the pursuit of the PhD. My summer research got bogged down when my classes started demanding more of my attention so for the next two weeks I am in a mad dash to finish my research and write a 25-40 page paper on it all. I am definitely not complaining about the upcoming deadline of September 1st for my draft of the research paper. God, I love deadlines and the craziness that they inspire! Without a deadline I would never get my ass moving on things. Oh, and I am also presenting this research at GVSU's Great Lakes History Conference in October. Very nice, very nice indeed. So, in October I have the scholarship luncheon, a labor conference I am presenting at on the other side of the state, and the Great Lakes History Conference. Myah's birthday is in October also and I have a museum tour to schedule and my monthly special committee meeting and historical movie night to arrange for GVSU's history department. I love it all. I love the pace and the busy-ness of doing so many things.

The progeny is doing very well. Myah is getting ready for high school (yes, please make that scared, apprehensive face for me!). Princess is preparing herself for kidnergarten (see what happens when you have your kids over eight years apart?). The Boy is just his usual self. Actually, he has made friends with the new neighbor boys who live behind us. The one boy is the same age as my boy so they play together quite often. I am relieved that he has other boys to play with since I was getting a little worried about him. He likes to play like he's a girl. Now, I am not gender-biasing but I do know that if he continues to prefer Barbie Dolls over trucks then he will be teased quite badly in school and I want him to fit in since being an outcast is so very difficult. Wow, that was a run-on sentence! Anyhow, he is becoming more boyish and seems to actually have a good time being a boy. Darling Husband is busy with work. He is starting school soon too! Yep, he is going to get an associate's degree in some sort of computer security thing-a-ma-gig. I am still a techno-peasant. He tried to explain it all to me but the words just do not make sense when they include things like "firewall" and "ISP" and "broadband". I just sit there with that blank, stupid look on my face. All I want to know about computers is that if I turn it on, can I actually type on it and get on the intranets?

So, anyhow, I think that is about it. Grad school is on the horizon, kids doing well, almost done at GVSU, husband in his technospeak fun. All is well in Nitaville.

Okay. It is official...I'm back to normal again! Yayyyyy! I was off of school from mid-April until the end of June and it made me freaking crazy with boredom and domesticity. I have realized that I, not unlike the great and mighty lion, can not be completely domesticated. There is only so much housework, kid-scrubbin', sidewalk-chalk, and laundry a woman like me can do before an attack of the crazies gets going. Seriously though, I am so glad to be back in school now. I have this absolutely wacko of a prof for literary criticism and theory, but in a way he is kind of growing on me...sorta like mold to a crusty bowl of ice-cream. Anyhow, the class is somewhat tolerable, just as long as I get an extra large cup of coffee from the Urban Mill before I go to class. But hey, it isn't home and hearth so I'm not going to complain!

I also have a fantabulous indy study with one of the best history profs at GVSU. It is on United States Immigration History and covers from about 1880-current day. Very interesting and fascinating schtuff that I am reading for that class. Plus, it coincides nicely with my summer research project on Post-World War II Dutch immigration. I know the prof that I have the indy study with quite well so we always have a good time with it. Very nice, very nice indeed.

On Tuesday this week I get the fantabulous pleasure of meeting up with my two friends. My one friend has recently left her husband over some personal problems and has moved back home to Michigan with her four kids. I am very happy that she is back. She called me on Saturday night to say that they were back and that she was planning on staying with her parents for a month or two while she found a job and a place to rent. So, on Tuesday, my other best friend and I are going to meet up with the back-in-town friend for coffee and some catching up on life. We all haven't been together as a group since last summer when she was up for a visit and we all went out for dinner.

On Wednesday I have to meet with my summer project mentor (a.k.a. Mr. Arrogant) to discuss the project and work on the material together. The mentor is a completely arrogant and self-righteous sort of man. The horrible thing is that I picked him for this project because he was supposed to have the educational background and he, at the beginning, seemed really interested in helping me. Now, he isn't giving me what I need to get this project done and he is pissing me off by giving me unsolicited advice both in my chosen career as a historian and in my personal life. Mr. Arrogant thinks my educational advisor in history isn't giving me the supposed "correct" information on graduate schools and Mr. Arrogant thinks he is the MAN to tell me, this poor, feeble-minded woman, how life is in the "real" world of academia. Whatever...

Anyhow, that's about it for now. Glad to see you are back on the ole internets again Raye! And, for heaven's sake, what are you doing with your lives Beck and Jon? How am I supposed to snoop on you two if you don't post blog entries anymore?

Hey! Things are looking up in the wonderful world of Nita. I have a jam-packed weekend full of kid fun. Yep, the official kickoff of birthday season has begun! Actually it started about two weekends ago with one niece's birthday party. Tomorrow we have another niece's birthday party to go to and then on Sunday is Princess's fifth birthday party! Princess technically doesn't turn five until Wednesday, the 28th, but since everyone is busy with work and what-not during the week we decided to have it on the weekend. Princess is having her party at Sandy Pines, which is a HUGE campground and resort community. By campground I mean, fifth wheels and mini-trailer homes complete with satellite television, microwaves, air-conditioning, an ice-cream parlor, fancy playgrounds, and beaches for swimming. Darling Husband's dad has a place out in Sandy Pines and since the kids love it so much out there we decided to have Princess's party there. She is having a Hawaiian Luau complete with flip-flop decorating and Hula girl cupcakes. Yep, I really go all out with the birthday party decorating. I'm making a flip-flop cake with LifeSaver candies on it and yellow-colored sugar for the sand look. My mom and I are making the Hula girl cupcakes, too. I even bought Princess a tank top with hibiscus-looking flowers on it for the special day. We have 15 adults and 14 kids coming to the party. Hey, I do come from a rather large family. Three of my brothers will be there with their wives and kids. Plus, Darling's two brothers and their families will be there along with the assorted grandmas and grandpas. The kids range in age from 9 months to 13 years old. Thank God Sandy Pines has things for older kids to do like mini-golf and basketball courts and a game room, otherwise the older kids would be horribly bored.

Anyhow, after my weekend birthday partying and eating enough cake to keep me on a sugar high for at least the weekend, I start classes on Monday night. I am actually really looking forward to classes again. The last six weeks off has driven me nearly stir-crazy and I have become a little too mom-ish. Although, my house is really quite clean and the laundry seems to get done a hell of a lot quicker. I have kept busy with my research and with some assorted commitments to other things at school like the documentary and the committee, but for the most part, life ground to a snail's pace. I simply hate not having to wear at least four hats at once. I don't know what I am going to do with myself once I am actually done with GVSU. I sympathize with the Amazing Raye because I am certain that starting next May I will be twittling my thumbs and going a little goofy around the edges. I did see one of my mentors in the history department on Thursday though and he reminded me that he would like me to become his personal assistant. Perhaps I will after I finish student teaching. God knows that the man has enough money to pay me decently. Not that the profs at GVSU make a lot of money, but this prof is indepedently wealthy...wealthy enough to drive a BMW and own a house in both Florida and the Caribbean. Anyhow, I enjoy being in the presence of this prof and we get along quite well. Plus, I am always giving him advice on his activities anyhow so I might as well look into getting paid to do it, right? Like I typed though, I wouldn't do it until after student teaching. I dread student teaching. I know I shouldn't but I do. I dread screwing up and having to re-do it. I dread not being able to teach what I want to teach but rather what I am told to teach. I dread dealing with pissed off parents and cocky kids. Although, to be honest, the kids scare me the least. Cocky kids are usually, at the bare least, entertaining. I have come to the conclusion in the last year or so that I simply do not want to teach high school English or History. I want to go onto grad school and get that PhD and teach at the college and university level. Darling is hesitant about it and I don't blame him. After all, he has waited these last six plus years for me to get my BAs and now I am asking him to fund me through graduate school too. But I believe that is what I am called to do...research, write, and teach what I want to teach (at least for the most part, I know that a lot of places limit professors too).

Anyhow, I am signing off for the night. Got lots to do tomorrow. One birthday party to go to and one to set up for. Whew, I am so very, very happy that life is back to its normal hectic pace!

So I'm feeling a little blah today. There is no reason why. Perhaps it is PMS or something. Who knows? So what is my blah? Well, it is a little like boredom, minor depression, discontentment, and the pressure from too much to do and not having the willpower to do it. My house needs a scrubbing. My research is piled up in the living room waiting impatiently for me to sort through it and I have a stack of reading about the size of eight King James Version Bibles to get through. I want to take Myah shopping for some summer clothes but I don't have the money available. I want to get some good coffee at one of the coffee houses in town but I'm too lazy to leave the house and I don't want our poopy coffee. I thought about watching the Detroit Tigers play but I don't see the sense in spending all that time in front of the TV. The Tigers are still in first place, hee hee. So, I'm just kinda blah right now.

Yesterday was a fantabulous day though. FOM and I went to Grand Haven to a local museum. Very fun. Of course anytime FOM and I go museum touring we have a good time. After the tour we got some coffee and got caught up with each other's lives. I hadn't seen FOM in about two weeks. All in all, it was four hours of museum touring, coffee slugging, wonderful conversation, and slightly perverse jokes. Yep, good day.

So far I haven't heard anything else about the scholarship. I don't know if that is a good sign or not. The committee said that they wouldn't have an answer until the beginning of July so I know I shouldn't be so impatient, but I am anyway. Oh, I did have a reporter for my school call me about the special history course/project that I had last fall and winter semesters. She wanted a student's perspective on it and I talked with her about the project for about twenty minutes. The article is coming out in the fall issue of the college's magazine which goes out to all alumni and parents of students. The special project I spent six months on was about local men involved in the Second World War who went to New Guinea in the South Pacific to fight off the advancing Japanese army. We interviewed veterans and hunted down film footage of New Guinea during the War. Then we took all of the research and made a one hour PBS style documentary that we are hoping PBS will air. The documentary will be shown at several local venues around Veterans' Day and I am quite proud of it. It was a lot of work and some frustration, but it was a worthwhile effort and telling a little known part of WWII history.

Anyhow, that is about it for the lovely life of the Nita.

Okay. I know I have blasted the betsies out of my birth state since the beginning of this here blog thingie, but I seriously love Michigan right now. The weather, which is a constant source of both humor and frustration in this state, has decided to humor its masses with truly beautiful sunshine, pleasant temps, and light breezes. Ahhhhhh. I took the progeny times three out and about today. We went to the library where I sat on the floor in the kids' section and read books to my youngest two in an attempt to persuade them away from the computers that the library sets up with attention-absorbing games. Anyhow, pretty soon I had a nice little audience and Dr. Suess and I were the stars of the show. After reading a few books, Princess and The Boy decided to stick their grimy hands on the huge fish tank and the turtle tank and watch the fishees swim and the turtles sunbath under the synthetic lights. I was really tempted to ask Princess and The Boy if they wanted to go swimming with the fishees but I decided I shouldn't because they would have said yes and then I would have had to throw them in. Sigh...it is so hard being a parent sometimes.

After the library adventure I took Princess, The Boy, and Myah for a stroll through the downtown section of my hometown. There is a Ben and Jerry's ice cream store downtown and we simply had to get a small snack there. I had apple pie ice cream. Myah had New York Fudge. Princess had strawberry and The Boy had Phish Food (sorta like Rocky Road). My mom and my sorta sister-in-law (she's not yet married to my brother) and her baby met us downtown and we strolled around after ice cream and peeked into shop windows and oohhhhhed and aaaahhhed over fancy schtuff. Overall, a very pleasant adventure with the progeny and the assorted members of the rest of the clan.

Anyhow, like I was saying, the weather has been fantabulous. Balmy and beautiful and makes me happy to be alive. Michigan is kinda strange when it comes to the weather. In Michigan there is a standing joke that if you don't like the weather wait a minute and it will change. Or, that there are two seasons in Michigan---winter and road construction.

I got a busy rest of the week. Tomorrow I have to take Princess down to register for kidnergarten at the school that she will be attending come fall. Then, I have a mini-interview with my certified teachers for my student assisting assignment in the fall. Then, Darling has a doctor's appointment. After all of that I will go grocery shopping (hopefully by myself!). Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday are researching days at the archives followed up by background reading in the subject matter in the evenings.

I really wanted to go swimming this afternoon since the weather was so nice and since the kids haven't gone swimming since last summer. Of course, their version of swimming is similiar to throwing two rocks into a pool...they sink unless flotation devices are secured to every appendage. Anyhow, I couldn't take the kiddies because Myah left her bathing suit at her aunt's house last year and it hasn't surfaced since. And also because I desperately need a new top for my bathing suit. About a week ago I washed my Mom van and decided to try to tan my uber-whiteness at the same time...hence a bathing suit. I put the bottoms on (my suit is one of those tankini things) and they fit okay. The I put on the halter top. Not good. The word "obscene" comes to mind. You see, I bought the top before the weight loss, before I went down 3 shirt sizes. The top is a halter top which is usually a good thing, especially when you are well-endowed. Halter tops keep your boobs smooshed together and provides a little more support for swimming. But, when the top is overly large it lets the boobies droop and sorta slosh around. And since boobs tend to semi-float in water...well, I'm sure you get the idea. Something about escaped boobs bouncing like balloons on the surface of the pool while little children scream in terror and grown men salivating, well, that is just not something I want to experience. Anyhow, perhaps sometime this week I will buy myself a new top and take the kiddies out for a dip...and I will make sure that the boobs are well-controlled.

So I have been thinking a lot lately about one of my friends. My friend is going to be married soon and I have this horrendous feeling in the pit of my stomach that friend is making a mistake. Not a horrible mistake, but one of those slow, cancerous types of mistakes that quietly eats away at a person's life. Friend is happy with the upcoming spouse and they have been together for some time, yet I can't help but think friend is making a mistake. Why do I think so? Because friend's soon to be spouse is completely opposite from friend. I'm not saying that opposites can't have a good marriage, but marrying someone who is very different on many levels than you are can be very troublesome and can ensue much heartache. But, friend hasn't come out and asked me for my advice so I shall keep my big mouth shut and smile politely when talk of the upcoming marriage comes up.

I guess part of my apprehension for my friend is because I know how hard it is to maintain a marriage with someone who is so different from yourself. I'm not talking surface differences here. I'm talking differences in goals in life, differences in personalities, temperments, ambitions, drive, and desires. I'm talking about being disappointed that the person whom you have pledged your life, love and fidelity to doesn't understand you at your basic level. I'm talking about trying to explain who you are to the one person who should naturally know you inside and out on a day to day basis. Yep, you guessed it...I'm afraid my friend will be caught in a marriage like my own. A marriage where every day I wake up and choose to compromise with my spouse until I feel like I have compromised away my entire being and all of my hopes and desires for life are somehow flattened and not quite so shiny anymore. I know I am speaking metaphorically and in vague terms, but I can't seem to say what I want because I am afraid. That is quite the big admission on my behalf because there really isn't too much that strikes real fear into me. You see, my friend has become one of my closest friends that I have ever had and I fear losing that friend if I say what I am feeling about the upcoming nuptials. I shouldn't fear losing a friend over honesty but I do. I am determined to keep my mouth shut and allow for things to happen. I will be a friend and be there if the floor drops out later on and help my friend to mend the broken pieces. I just hope that won't happen and that I am wrong about this gnawing feeling that has been eating away at me about my friend's marriage.

I know, I am a little morose tonight. That's what happens when you care about someone and cannot tell them what you really want to tell them.