Insomniac's blog

Well, well, well. Michigan finally decided to break into spring...or I should say summer since it is HOT and horribly humid. Normally Michigan takes its time warming up, but in the last week we have shot from 40-50 degree weather up to a whopping 90 degrees today. And the humidity is horrendous. Darling and I finally caved about fifteen minutes ago and turned on the central air conditioning unit for the house. We really don't like to run it too much since it makes the electric bill go way up, but there is no way my three kids, especially the little ones, are going to get any decent sleep while they are sweating away in their rooms. The nice thing about the heat is that we finally get to show off our pearly-white legs. Yep...May in Michigan is time for the albinos to come out from hiding. I got a little pinked on my arms, shoulders, and face today but I needed it so it is okay.

Today Darling and I took the progeny to Sandy Pines. Sandy Pines is a huge resort community located about 20 miles from our house. Darling's dad has a place out there and the kids like to hang out with Grampa and the rest of the assorted clan in the summers. Since it is Memorial Day weekend, Darling's two brothers and their families came out to Sandy Pines too. We had a nice cookout and took all the kids down to one of the play parks to swing on the swingset and play on the jungle gyms. My two sisters-in-law and I got to take a long ride on the golf cart (which is the main type of transportation in Sandy Pines) and swapped stories about our husbands. In so many ways Darling and his two brothers are so similiar. They all look alike. They all talk and gesture in the same ways. And, they all have similiar attitudes. Strange. I have four older brothers and we all do share some traits, but not like Darling and his brothers. It is almost like cookie-cutter siblings. Oh well.

Not too much else in the works. FOM and I are supposed to go to tour a local museum on Tuesday. I'm sure we'll have a great time since we almost always do when we are together. Oh, and sometime this week I have to go mini-van shopping with my mom. Since she totaled out her car, she has to find a replacement. My dad wants a mini-van and my mom thinks it is a good idea since she carts the grandkids around so much. Maybe I can see if they would like to buy my mini-van. I would love to get rid of the MomVan. Ughhhhhh. Convenient as it is, it isn't very economical on gas. And, since gas prices won't be going down anytime ever, I think it is time for something smaller and more economical. Plus, then I won't have the Mom label attached to me every time I leave the house. Hmmm, perhaps Mom buying my van would be a good thing?

And, since G made a comment about no pictures on my blog, I'm thinking about adding some. Of course that would mean that I would have to learn how to scan the damn things and then manage to figure out how to post them on this here blog...techno-peasantry again. Perhaps I will post a few pictures soon. 'Course then everyone would see me and I kinda like the anonymity. It is sorta like radio DJs. When people see them in real life they are often disappointed because the picture they have in their head doesn't match up with the actual. Of course, most of my three readers do know what I look like (Jon, Dr. Rob, Amazing Raye...maybe I have four readers now?). Anyhow, something to ponder and if I can cast off the techno-peasantry then perhaps I will attempt to post a picture or two.

Holy Shit. I hate Michigan. Seriously. Tonight, after a long day of stress which I will inform you of in a moment, I was sitting out on my stoop smoking a really good Camel cigarette. I was allowing the stress to flow out of me and I was enjoying the rather mild May weather when out of nowhere a marauding June bug attempted to attack me...from behind. I hate those damn bugs. They are huge. They are about an inch long and kinda fat and they love long hair. Thank God my hair was pulled back in a ponytail otherwise I think I may have just taken a scissors to it without even looking to see if that damn bug got into it. Anyhow, I jumped up and ran my hand through my hair to make sure it wasn't in there. June bugs make this awful buzzing noise and as soon as I heard it hit the screen door behind me the buzzing noise stopped so I thought it was either in my hair or dead on impact with the door. Anyhow, the bug wasn't in my hair so I stood there and smoked the Camel a bit more while I eyed the ground to see if I could find my attacker and smoosh him. I didn't see anything so I assumed that the cowardly bug flew off to lay in wait for another innocent evening smoker. Nope. The bastard June bug snuck up and tried to go for my ankle. Needless to say, I flung my half-smoked Camel to the ground and screamed like a girl while I ran up the stairs and into the house. Yes, the June bug got the best of me. Now I am quietly typing away and waiting for the dreaded bug to go away so I can smoke another cigarette. Maybe June bug attackers will help me quit smoking this summer...eh?

In Nita's other adventures, today was archive day again. That means that I got to sit on my ass and read all kinds of neat schtuff. Actually it is fun and I have a grand time with it all. But, just as I was finding some really interesting info, my phone kept going off. It was on vibrate so at first I just ignored it. But then it just kept ringing so I finally called the archive hunting quits and went outside to call whomever was calling me. It was my dad. My mom had been in a bad car accident and he wasn't able to make it to the hospital yet. He wanted me to go and see what was going on. I did. I made it down to the hospital and checked up on Mom. She is okay but badly bruised up from the seatbelt and airbag. Her car is totaled but at least she walked away okay. My mom also had my five year old neice and three year old nephew with her. Thank God Mom is quite picky about buckling them into their carseats otherwise things would have been bad. The kids were fine...just scared. Mom is going to feel like hell tomorrow though. Some of the bruises were so bad that the skin was already turning that nasty shade of purple and the bruise was raised. She'll be okay though...she's a tough old bird.

And, in my final adventure to relate, I went grocery shopping with Princess and The Boy...at 8pm...at Meijer's. We didn't get home until 10pm which is really bad for me since my kids have a strict bedtime of 9pm. They were really well-behaved in the store though. I dragged them through the aisles with little resistance and they only asked for 1,246 different things each. Overall, quite a pleasant shopping trip.

Oh, almost forgot! Last night was Myah's 8th grade graduation. All went well and she looked amazing! I was appropriately proud and snapped about two dozen photos. Ahhh...the joys of parenting.

So, what is the Nita up to lately? Not too much of interest, but in order to keep my readership up, I thought I would drop in a few of my moments of epiphany. Tonight I took Myah out to find SOMETHING to wear to her 8th grade graduation. The child has grown up so much in the last few months that none of her decent clothes fit. Her normal clothes weren't quite right to wear to this event either. I mean, she dresses nice enough for school and what-not, but for a graduation she should wear something a bit nicer than Abercrombie and Fitch holey jeans and a t-shirt, right? Anyhow, like I was saying, I took Myah shopping. It took a total of six stores but we did find something. Actually, I picked it out but Myah liked it after she tried it on. She bought a green suit. Yep, green...like grass green. And, it has a little bit of shine to it. Very schmancy. She also got a dressy white tank top to wear under the jacket. Anyhow, I went in the dressing room with her to sit because I was tired and quite cranky by this time (mind you, six stores!) and I was busy folding up clothes she had tried on when she turned around with this amazing green suit on. Wow. Wow again. Myah is just a hair shorter than me and she has medium brown hair with a reddish cast to it. This suit made her look so much more mature and sophisticated. For a brief moment, all of her thirteen and a half years flashed before me. I wasn't looking at my baby anymore. I finally realized that she is a young woman. She looked so different. Myah hemmed and hawwed about the suit because it is green and she wasn't sure if her friends would like it, but after checking herself out in the mirror a few times, she said screw her friends and bought it. So, tomorrow night I will officially say goodbye to my middle-schooler and say hello to my high-schooler. She's an amazing kid young woman.

Other than that, I have been sitting around on my arse pretty much all day. I did manage to wash, dry, and fold about five loads of laundry. Hey, I have three kids, two of whom are female. Laundry is a day-to-day necessity around here. I did call my mom three times though. I know, this is getting a little cheese-sandwichy, but hey, give me a break! I was checking up on Mom because she was quite ill this weekend. She had a nasty case of bronchitis. Mom is recovering fine though and will be back up and running tomorrow.

Ummm. Well, I can't think of anything else that is new to report. Oh, I did pluck my eyebrows. It is a painful necessity. Oh, and for the ladies who read this... have you seen the new Always maxipads yet? I mean, they are the same, just in a new packaging. Anyhow, I got my period last week and I had one of the new packages of Always. I took the pad out of the wrapper and the little paper backing that is on the sticky stuff had this logo on it "Always have a Happy period". What, what???!!!!! I have since used those up and I will not be buying Always pads anymore. I mean, who in the hell has a happy period? Obviously men thought up of that logo. Sheeshh, idiots. No woman wants to have her period, and how can a woman have a happy period? Anyhow, something to ponder.

After re-reading the last posting, I really must apologize for my horrible language and short-temperedness. Usually, I am not that bad. But, as I have told others before, I basically have two moods...either I am happy or pissed. And, it is very easy to tell which mood I am in, both by my facial features and my language use. Anyhow, no new news to report on the tuition situation. I am going to take the Amazing Raye's advice and call on Monday to set up an appointment with the financial aid people at GVSU about an alternative loan or something. I have worked too hard to give it all up now over a measley issue like money.

On a different note, and one in which Rob may be most interested, I started my research in the archives this week. I spent two full days there and I have found some pretty amazing schtuff already. My research pertains to post-World War II Dutch immigration to the United States. I have decided that my original intent with this research is a little too broad and I am going to have to tailor it down some, otherwis my proposed 25-40 page article will be more like 200-300 pages and I don't have the time to write it over one summer.

Not to much else going on as of now. My FOM (Friend of Mine) is back in town after two exciting weeks away. I'm planning on meeting up with FOM this week so he can tell me all about his fantabulous adventures and I can tell him about my archive-hunting and research.

Myah has her 8th grade graduation celebration this coming week. It is hard to believe that in a few short months I will have a high-schooler! Egads!!! That makes me feel remarkably old and decrepit. I have to take her out to buy a new skirt or dress for it and she desperately needs her hair cut. Last summer, Myah cut her hair quite short and has been growing it out all year and it looks like someone stuck a brunette mop on her head. So, a haircut and a dress is in order before the 8th grade celebration. Me? I will dress up in appropriate "mom" attire and smile politely to some of her teachers who I think are absolute idiots. I will behave myself, don't worry.

Darling and I got into it a bit tonight. I did a lot of yardwork today...mowed the grass, plucked some weeds, swept up the sidewalks...and I got sick afterwards. I think I must have gotten into something I am allergic to, because my eyes were almost swollen shut and I had a very sore throat and I felt a little dizzy. I laid down for awhile and then I took a bath. I asked Darling to clean up the after-dinner-mess in the kitchen since I cooked (even though I felt like hell) and he still hasn't cleaned it up and it is after 10pm! Plus, while I was taking a bath, we somehow got into a discussion about kids and grandparents raising grandkids. I told Darling that once our three leave the house, that's it. I don't want them back besides to visit. I will not be their fulltime baby-sitter once grandkids arrive, and I sure as hell will not be raising anybody's babies, even my own grandkids. Darling thinks I am mean and not very sympathetic since my mom has helped us out by watching our kids for free while I have been in school. But, as I tried to explain to Darling, I had the responsibility of motherhood at the ripe age of 17. By the time my kids get out of the house, I want to live my own life and not have to answer to anyone. You can't do that with children around. I want to travel and spend time doing the things I enjoy once my kids leave the nest. Sure, I will babysit when my kids go on vacations or if something special comes up or if they want a night out, but I sure as hell will not be a second mother. Darling doesn't understand. You see, he has always just been responsible for the financial well-being of his children. I have always been the one who takes care of the nitty-gritty, day-to-day stuff like baths, laundry, doctors' appointments, cleaning up puke, and what not. Anyhow, I can see that this may be a major problem between us sometime in the next twenty years.

Okay, this posting is long enough. I hope all is well with my blogworld buddies out there and I will post again after I go to speak with someone in financial aid. Thanks everyone, for offering advice and lending me your kind thoughts and prayers.

Holy shitty shit. I am punching away at this damn keyboard in tears. I got my fuckin financial aid report for the fall and winter semesters. I don't know what in the hell I am going to do. The financial aid award I got was a combined total of $1300 for both semesters. As close as I can figure it, the total for my tuition for fall and winter is going to be about $8000. So, in other words, I need to come up with about $6700 on my own. It might as well be six million dollars at this point in time. I really don't know what to do. I mean, if it was 2-3 thousand, I may be able to manage that, but $6700, there is no way I can get ahold of that kind of money in time. I applied for one scholarship, but I am certain it won't be over $1000...if I get it. I can't go to my parents for that kind of money either. My mom is retired and my dad is retiring next year. There is no way they can afford to shell out that kind of cash to help me. Darling's dad is in no position to help either. This is what comes from being part of the working class...no money and bills all over the place. Hell, at this rate, I may as well throw in the fucking towel and call it quits.

You know what really, really fucking stinks? I'm good at school. Not just okay, but damn good. I've finally found what I love (learning) and I can't afford to pursue it. I have three kids to feed, a mortgage to pay, car payments, insurance, a home to heat, and monthly medical bills because of my damn diabetes. I know we could cut a few things out of our spending, but not enough to come up with my tuition money by the time it is due. FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!! I am so damn angry right now. I hate feeling helpless and I do because of this tuition thing. God, what am I going to do?!

All my life all I wanted to do is be better than what I currently am. I wanted to reach my full potential. I wanted to prove to the world and to myself that some low-class, working-class kind of girl who popped out a kid at seventeen could make it. I wanted to be the one who could talk to young people like I was and tell them that if they work hard enough and really set their mind to it, that they too could have what others do. You know, that so-called American Dream, it is all just myth. There is no American Dream...unless you count the ones who win the state lotteries. I mean, I have worked my ass off for the last six years to get these degrees. I have sacrificed my time from my kids and husband. I have put in long hours in front of computers, with my head stuck in books, taking down meticulous notes, and demanding more from myself than anyone else ever would ask me. I have gained the respect and friendships of several of my professors. I have spoken at a conference on my own work. I have been asked to be part of a special committee because people know that I can get things done. And what did I do all that for? Nothing. To get so close and lose it all because I am not able to pay $6700. That's what my American Dream comes down to, $6700 which I can't get.

So I've been thinking about the whole tuition situation and I have decided that I have to remain positive that something will work out. I have let the whole financial crisis get me way too bogged down in my own misery...well, perceived misery. I was thinking about all the people who can't afford the basics in life, even in America the land of wealth, and I have decided that I have too much to be grateful for to let a little thing like money (or a lack of it) get me depressed. I mean, I have three healthy and relatively happy children, a husband who is devoted and faithful, a comfortable house with lots of room, the cutest little Chihuahua in the neighborhood, and I am at the peak of my life. Awhile back one of my slightly older friends said that you do not really get to know yourself until you are past 30. He also said that your personality is not fully formed until you are 30 and I believe he may have been onto something. I mean, I'm 31 now and I am the happiest I have ever been with myself. I am still overweight and out of shape, but I am not all caught up in my looks and I don't compare my physical self with others. I have learned to accept the fact that God has given me this body and allowed these physical imperfections so I may as well learn to love it. I also have finally found out what I want out of life. I want to get that PhD and become one of the residents of the ivory tower (a.k.a. professor in a university). I have obtained a sort of calmness with myself...not complacency, but calmness. I know what I am capable of doing. I know what my limits are, both physically and mentally. I am a stronge and determined woman who isn't going to let money keep me from my goals. They are goals, not dreams. Dreams are ephemeral. Goals are something to be obtained. Anyhow, I'm going to do this...obtain my PhD and make it into the ivory tower.

On another note, FOM called me today. I left a message for him earlier and he called me back when I was in a mood. I was busy cleaning the house and organizing the kitchen cupboards. I'm afraid he caught the slightly bitchy and somewhat distracted Nita rather than my usually self. FOM, I apologize for my somewhat short-temperedness.

And, since it was the Amazing Raye's graduation party today...CONGRATS! I'm proud of you and I hope all went well with the party. I'm sorry I couldn't make it. Darling took the progeny out to buy me presents for Mother's Day and they were gone for three amazingly quiet and peaceful hours...hence the kitchen organizing. I do hope you got some nice gifts though!

Alright, enough of me. I'll post again later...

I need money. And, I need it soon. Why? My fall tuition at the ole GVSU is due in August and as of right now, I don't have it. I have no idea where the money is going to come from either. Darling and I had enough money in the savings account to cover at least my fall tuition, but with him being on Workman's Comp (a type of disability pay), we had to use it to cover our bills and what not. Darling took home about half of what he made when he normally works regular hours and then you times that by almost five months off of normal pay...and whaalaaahhhh! No monies. So, I am busily applying for scholarships from local sources in a vain attempt to find enough money to pay for fall tuition. Even if I find enough money to pay for fall tuition, I still have no idea where the money for the winter tuition will come from.

I only have fall and winter semesters and then I am done with my undergrad. I can't get any more in loans because we always took the maximum we could so I could pay for tuition, books, and for my car payment so I could actually get to school. Sigh... It is so frustrating to get this close and then maybe lose it all. The worst thing is that I can't take a semester off to save up money because GVSU limits catalogs to seven years. I started at GVSU in 1999 so I have to finish my undergrad by the end of the 2006-2007 school year...in other words, next April. And, because I have student assisting and student teaching left to do, I really cannot get a job to help offset expenses because I will be swamped with all of the in-school time and seminars that are required by GVSU for the teacher prep courses. ARGHHHHH!

Anyhow, I have applied for one scholarship and I hope and hope some more that it comes through so I can maybe go through the fall semester. I really don't know what to do and if none of these scholarships pan out by August then I am screwed and screwed hard. I mean, what the fuck? I am a good student and I am involved in a ton of stuff and yet I can't finish my degrees because I am, unfortunately, part of the working poor (well, at least my husband is!). I'm really getting a little bit freaked out by this all. The one scholarship that I am applying for would cover 3 credits and the other I'm not sure about. I have 15 credits lined up for the fall semester. I may drop it down to 12 though and then I would have 15 credits for the winter semester.

These scholarship essays are hard to write too. Not so much because I can't write well enough, but more because you have to sell yourself so much and I have a hard time telling people that I am great, probably because I'm not any greater than the next woman who is applying for a scholarship. Oh God...I am so on edge about all of this. And poor Darling, he doesn't know what to do. It wasn't his fault that he got hurt and had to use the savings to pay our bills and feed our kids. Now granted, we are not too penny-pinching, but now we will have to.

Cross your fingers and send all hope my way for money or scholarships or both. God knows I need to find a way to finish my tenure at GVSU.

Okay. I have been out of school for a week and a half now and I haven't gotten a damn bit of research done! I am going nuts at home and I feel totally...blah. I have loads of stuff that I could be doing but I don't want to. My kitchen cupboards need to be organized and my kitchen pantry desperately needs organizing and cleaning. I also have to go through the very painful process of book sorting. Yep, I am slated to move my living room furniture around and I have to move my wonderfully hand-made bookcase, but in order to move the bookcase I need to remove all the books from it. I have loads of books lined up, stacked on top of others, and crammed in every nook and cranny available in that bookcase. I dread purging any books because I have an attachment of sorts to each book. Almost every book in that case I have read (and some of the kids' books I have read multiple times!) and the few I haven't I want to read sometime.

Anyhow, enough of my complaining about my books. I haven't gotten any research done and that is really starting to bother me. I have only about a month to do my archival research so I need to get in and get it going. Last week was just a lazy, post-end-of-the-semester, relaxation week. This week I wanted to get into the archives but yesterday my mom had an appointment so I went over to watch my nephews for her (she normally watches them while their parents are at work). By the time I was done with kid-watching duty (with my two youngest there were five kids there!), I was too exhausted to do much of anything. And now, because of some special annual events going on in my hometown, I won't be able to hit the archives at all on Wednesday or Thursday. ARGHHHHH!!! Next week I am going to the archives to do my research and I am going to sit on my pastey-white historian ass until it feels like I am sitting on needles! Discipline....discipline is what I need. Well, actually I need self-discipline. I am sure that there are a few people out there who would love to discipline me, but I need self-discipline.

I also need to call my certified teachers to schedule a mini-interview. I finally got ahold of them via email but I would like to talk to them on the phone to set up the interview. I start student assisting in the fall and I want to make sure I know what my CTs expect from me. I have two CTs because they team teach. I guess I better get off my butt and get things moving. Anyhow, that is all for me for now.

I got this title from Dr. Rob who likes to call personal, boring blog postings cheese sandwiches....except my life is more like a cheese sandwich with gravy because it sticks with you longer. Anyhow, I got my grades from the ole GVSU on Monday. I was disappointed in myself. I knew I didn't put forth the effort in Rob's class that I should have and it showed on my transcript. I was really trying for a 4.0 (all A's) semester and I ended up with a 3.925...so close and yet so far! I had straight A's in my special topic history course, Shakespeare, and in my writing history course. I ended up with an A- in teaching writing to adolescents. SIGH...Sigh...sigh. Like I said, I was disappointed in myself and my FOM (friend of mine) wasn't around to cheerlead for me. I did email FOM and he responded yesterday with his fantabulous cheerleading. Thanks FOM, I needed someone to say something nice about me. Anyhow, I started to think about everything I had going on this last semester and I think a 3.925 is okay considering I had three kids to take care of, a husband out of commission because of a broken leg, and a house to maintain. Still though, the elusive 4.0 semester has evaded me again. Sigh...

Other than that I haven't done much of anything since I finished classes last Wednesday. I have done have of my spring cleaning. Myah's, The Boy's, and my bedrooms and closets have been cleaned and organized. I rearranged my bedroom furniture and Myah's bedroom furniture too. The kitchen and Princess's bedroom are next on the agenda. So, I have officially put on my mom hat and done mommy stuff this last week, including cooking and cleaning, some minor baking, playing games with The Boy and Princess, and taking care of put-off appointments and phone calls. I have to take Princess in for her kidnergarten screening at the health department soon. All kids are required to be up-to-date on immunizations and have their eyes and hearing checked before they start school and since Princess is starting school in the fall I have to get her in soon.

Oh! Darling got himself a new desktop computer last week. I am typing away on it now. I like it so far. It has a flat-screen 19 inch monitor which is pretty spiffy. So now we have a total of three computers in our house. The old desktop went to Myah for school work and what not. I have a laptop for myself because I like to go to coffee shops and libraries to do my homework and I don't like using public computers. It seems kinda weird that we would have three computers. However, we still have only one television. I made a rule awhile back that we would have no more than one television and no televisions in bedrooms. TV is so addictive and I don't want my kids plunked on their butts watching TV all day long in their rooms.

Anyhow, I am starting my immigration history research on Monday. It should be fun because I like digging through old documents and connecting random dots in some logical order. I started my background readings for my research this week and that has given me a shot in the ass to get a move-on with the project.

Anyhow, that is about all I can cram into one cheese sandwich with gravy posting!

It has been quite awhile since something has pissed me off enough to mount my soapbox and have at it. Being forewarned is being prepared, so here goes...

Last night I went to a rally in my hometown to protest the bill currently being debated in Congress concerning U.S. immigration--specifically in regards to illegal immigrants. The rally was quite a sight to behold. My hometown is 22% Mexican-Americans and the rest are a mixed bag of mostly Dutch and European ancestry. Anyhow, I went on down to the rally and I was amazed at what I saw. Several hundreds of Mexican-Americans gathered with a little more than a handful of "white" Americans and protested against the bill. It was an amazing night. I did feel a little out of place though since the speakers that were there only spoke in Spanish and I don't understand Spanish. However, I was struck when the crowd began singing different songs like De Colores. While I didn't know the songs, all the voices joining in unity was amazing. I wish I could have understood the meaning of the songs beforehand. I did meet a few younger people who were nice enough to translate a few things for me. At one point the crowd starting chanting something like "Se Sequira", at least that is what it sounded like. One of the ladies next to me told me that it meant "Yes, we can do it".

Being an outsider to the group last night gave me a fresh perspective on how hard it must be for immigrants in America. First of all, everyone here expects immigrants to be able to speak, read, and write in English. Secondly, many so-called patriots stereotype immigrants (especially Hispanic immigrants) as welfare recipients and burdens on our tax dollars, which isn't true. Thirdly, a lot of Americans like to blame immigrants for their own loss of jobs---never mind the effects of globalization, economic downturns, and the shift from an industrial manufacturing economy to a technology and service economy. My brief studies in American History has confirmed that Americans like to continually blame others for our problems. The Irish immigrants were blamed in the Antebellum era for the lack of jobs in urban environments, the Southern blacks were blamed later, the Asian immigrants were viewed as "foreigners" for too many years after their legal status, and after September 11, 2001, all Middle-Easterners were suspected of undermining the government and terrorizing U.S. citizens. Frankly, all the scapegoating by Americans onto certain ethnic and racial groups just really pisses me off! I mean, seriously, America is the country it is today because we have been an immigrant country. I think some of our so-called "patriots" and politicians need to remember what places like Ellis Island stood for.

Anyhow, I support open immigration and I urge other Americans who may be reading this to contact your Senators to tell them to vote against the new immigration bill.