Insomniac's blog

Hello. I am feeling very mellow today. Classes were officially over for me on Wednesday evening. Gawd...it has been nice. I do miss a few of my classes and classmates though (Hi Jon and Becky!), as well as some of my other friends from GVSU (like FOM for one). Mostly though, the last few days have been spent relaxing. I know, how obscene is that?! Sheeshh..relaxing?! Yes, though, I have been relaxing. I cooked a huge nice dinner on Thursday for the family since they have not had much besides "heat and eats" and "get-yer-owns" for the last two weeks since I was swamped with papers and assignments. On Friday...hmmmm...I actually have no recollection of what I did on Friday, probably nothing. Oh, I did take the youngest two of the progeny out for awhile and went for a lovely stroll in my hometown. Then, on Friday night Darling grilled burgers for me and I drank a margarita, which actually wasn't all that great. I'm not too much for alcohol anymore. While I don't mind an occasional drink or glass of wine, I really never have any cravings for it. When I was younger I did though. I spent five days a week getting drunk, one day for hangovers, and one day to sober up so I could feel it again the following day. I did that for about a year and a half, up until I got pregnant with my oldest. I don't know what it is...I just have no desire to drink like that anymore. I usually don't even finish whatever I order. Or, on the occasions I do finish a drink, I stop at one. I just can't tolerate the stuff like I used to, plus I don't like losing control of myself.

Anyhow, where was I after that digression? Oh yes, life after classes... So today Darling took The Boy with him to Detroit to watch a Tigers' game. I hope they have a good time and it doesn't rain out. It is raining here. Anyhow, so I have Myah and Princess with me today. We have to scrub up the house and do some laundry and then we are off to have some fun of our own. I'm either going to take the girlies to the mall to the Princess room at Younkers department store. The Princess Room is where they have all these cool little sprinkly things and girls can mix their own shampoos, lotions, soaps, and buy princessee stuff. If we don't make it to the mall, then we are going out for Chinese at this great little place in my hometown. They do custom stir-frying where you get to pick your noodles, sauces, veggies, and meat. I've never been there but Myah has a couple of times with friends and her granny so we may give that a try.

Okay, I guess if I am going to get anything done with these girls today I better get off the ole internet and get my ass a movin'.

Hee HEE Hee! I know...I know. I shouldn't be so obscene as to title one of my post as such, but hey, I am 31 and I like AC/DC so what the hell? It isn't like I'm going to get yelled at by my mom. Anyhow, tonight I did grow some big balls, which is pretty damn hard when you have a vagina. What in the hell am I talking about? Well, I'll forewarn y'all, this here posting is gonna be lewd and downright vulgar...just like me. No, nothing sexual so just give it a rest and pull your mind out of the gutter...

I had an interesting conversation with Professor Sometimes-A-Jerk. Yep, I decided to play nice...real nice. I went to campus to finish up a paper I was working on and HE was there collecting exams and papers for one of his classes. I decided to be nice and try to kill him with kindness. You ask why? Because I could never figure out why the man behaved so strangely around me...one minute nice, the next...asshole. And, it does bother me that someone really does not like me at all. Anyhow, like I said, I decided to play nicety-nice. I went in his office and made some random small talk. He was on his way out for a smoke so I joined him. The man was actually quite pleasant...even talkative. Wow. Anyhow, I was telling him about something my mentor the Buck had said to me and he asked me if I really called my mentor "the Buck" (it isn't my mentor's real name). I said yep and told him that all the profs in the department have nicknames. He asked me what I called him behind his back. At first I refused to tell him. He guessed that I called him Professor Asshole, which I did some time in a past posting, but I don't verbally call him that. He's Professor Sometimes-A-Jerk. Anyhow, he asked a few more times and I finally just told him. Yep, I told him that I call him Professor Sometimes-A-Jerk. He looked a little hurt and a little shocked. I had a momentary feeling of guilt...very momentary. Then, instead of getting all pissy about it, he actually got nicer to me and remained that way for the following hour or so when I kept seeing him off and on. Can you believe it?! Perhaps I should have told him long ago that he is a jerk sometimes? Anyhow, I told him that if he remained nice I would rename him. I called him Professor Smiley for the rest of the night because he kept smiling quite pleasantly. Actually, the guy isn't too bad looking when he smiles...nice teeth. Okay, whoa! I just grossed myself out by typing that! Anyhow, I thought you all would like to know that I had a rather nice run in with Professor Sometimes-A-Jerk, who is now Professor Smiley, well at least until next time.

So it has been a full two weeks since my last posting. I would love to tell you all that my life has been a whirlwind of fun and entertainment, Paris Hilton style, by unfortunately it has been more like fun and entertainment poor college student style. Yep, this is exam week and while I am thrilled that classes are almost done, I am also a little disappointed. I'm the most disappointed in myself. You see, I have a class that I am almost done with and I have to write this portfolio reflection piece for it. While I would love to bullshit my way through the reflection paper, the truth is that I haven't given the class the time and energy I should have. I haven't learned too much...well, that isn't exactly true, I have learned but I have more questions about the subject now than I did before I started the class. I know I am not making any sense, and I apologize. Rob is probably the only one who knows what I am blathering on about.

I'm also disappointed because I really have had a great semester with two of my classes and I loath leaving them. My Shakespeare class has been one of the best English classes I have ever taken at GVSU. The prof was excellent and laid back enough to allow us students to have fun with Ole Billy Shakespeare. Plus, the class environment was really productive. Everyone participated and that made a three hour night class fly by. I'm really going to miss my writing for history class. Gawd...what a riot that has been! Half of the class was quiet most of the time, but the other half of us...sheesh, the prof couldn't hardly shut us up! Plus the prof was extremely entertaining as well as intelligent. My writing for adolescents class was the one I mentioned in the paragraph above. I just can't help but feel like I could have done so much better if I had committed myself to it more, but now it is too late.

Okay, enough about classes. Let's talk about life in Nita-ville. On Easter (April 16), it was my 31st birthday! Yep, 31. I spent the day writing a paper for my history class and talking with one of my mentors, Buck. The Thursday before my birthday a group of us from the history department at GVSU went out for lunch. One of the office helpers had her birthday on Friday so it was a double birthday party. I had a great time and it was all women. I don't hang out with women all that much so it was nice to spend an hour or so in the company of the ladies. On Friday, my Darling took me out to the casino for my birthday. We played a little roulette, the slots, and ate some good food. We lost our shirts (not literally!) but we had a fun time. Once I got back to school on Tuesday, my mentor Buck gave me a birthday card and a gift certificate. It was nice of him to do that and I told him he didn't have to, but he said he wanted to. My best friend since 7th grade sent me a really neat card...with a picture of a huge cup of coffee and an invite to coffee-time on her! My mom and dad gave me a card and my mom took me shopping for some new bedding (I know, I know, who shops for bedding on their birthday?). Oh, and probably the most enjoyable birthday present I received was from FOM (Friend of Mine). He forgot about my birthday, no I wasn't offended, but took me out for dinner on Tuesday night. We always have so much fun together and Tuesday wasn't any different. Everytime I am around him the time just flies and I laugh so much. Out of everything and everyone at GVSU, I will miss FOM the most when I graduate next year. I know there's always email and phone calls, but strolling over to Einstein's to get coffee can't be done if I am down at Duke in North Carolina and he's back here in Michigan. SIGH...Sigh...sigh.

Anyhow, as the title says, it is off to work I go. I have one final paper to fix up and this reflection piece to do for Rob's class and one exam to take and then I am done. I am taking a week off starting on Wednesday. I have to scrub my house and write two scholarship essays. Then, after my week of relaxation, I start my summer in the archives doing research for my summer grant. Yep, another summer of being the Pastey-White Historian!

I've been horribly bad about reading up and commenting on the following blogs:

Amazing Raye---hang in there! You are almost, almost done with GVSU and student teaching. You rock and I feel priveleged to know you. Your everything a teacher should be and if you were teaching in my school district, I would lobby the principal to have my kids assigned to your classroom.

Rob---even though you don't comment, I know you read this from time to time. Thanks for a smashing semester! I have learned so much valuable ideas and information from you. I have learned by your example what teaching should be and the amount of love, energy, and enthusiasm it takes to be truly a great teacher. Thank you.

G---man, I so wish you were around here! I have benefitted greatly from reading your blog. You have taught me that no matter what religion, country, or ethnicity that someone grows up in that human emotions are universal. We all feel emotional pain, disappointment, failure, love, happiness, grace, and joy. You also have challenged some of my beliefs as an American. I admire your honesty in your postings and I appreciate your sincere concern for a strange, slightly perverse woman (me!) whom you never met.

Anyhow, thanks everyone for continuing to read my blog. I'll keep posting and I'll keep you all informed on the wild world of the Nita.

So, things are okay. I feel like I am in a baseball game and it is bottom of the ninth with bases loaded, two outs, and a hell of a pitcher on the mound and I am next up to bat. Yep, the pressure to perform is on. It is a good thing I am a stress-junkie...addicted to deadlines and others' expectations. If I wasn't I would be tempted to hang it all up now. I have an incredible amount of schtuff to do for school and I am losing my gumption. I have a ten page research paper to do on Shakespeare before Tuesday and, while I know what I want to write, the words can't seem to get out of my head and onto paper. I've spent the last two days (11 hours in fact) pouring over articles which relate to my topic and I feel like I have a good grasp of the topic but yet, nothing. SIGH...Sigh...sigh. My Shakespeare paper is due on Tuesday, so I still have a little time left. I also have a short assignment to do for my history class. No big deal, but it does require a little bit of work from me. I also have to finish two lesson plans for my pedagogy project for my Teaching Writing to Adolescents class. That is time consuming...not too difficult, but it just takes time. The history assignment is due on Tuesday and the lesson plans on Wednesday. Starting Thursday I have to write a ten page research paper for my history class. So, in other words, no rest for the wicked...or the weary apparently.

I know...I know. I'm getting a little bitchy. I was thinking about what is on my plate for the next year and it put me in a mood. Usually, after a hectic semester like this one, I take a week off to relax, clean my house properly, spend time with the progeny, and do some pleasure reading. That won't be happening after this semester though. Since I got that summer research grant, I will be jumping into my research as soon as I am done with this semester. Plus, over the summer I am taking two more classes. Then, come fall, I will be teacher assisting in a middle school English class, taking the three required seminars that go with teacher assisting, and taking my final history class. After fall semester, I have a semester of student teaching in history, which means 40 plus hours in a high school and the corresponding seminars for student teachers. All in all, life is going to be crazy busy until next April. Phffffwww...is all I can say.

I guess I shouldn't be so bad about it all. I mean, I have a great opportunity ahead of me. Doors are open to me that are shut to so many around the world and I should savor every day. I love learning and explaining (teaching) things about history and literature to others. I love the classroom. I love the ability to test my intelligence (or lack thereof) and of talking to others who love learning as much as I do. My life is good.

So, instead of getting all pissy about the upcoming assignments I think I will start viewing them as an extension of my abilities. And, instead of getting pissy about the upcoming year, I think I will start viewing it as a challenge to me both intellectually and emotionally. I've been put up to bat and I am not going to strike out now.

I read somewhere that everyone should remember where they were in life ten years ago. So here's what I remember from ten years ago...

I was about to turn 21. Yep...21. I had just one kid at that time and had only been married for a year and a half. We were living in our old house (which was only a year old) and things were okay. Darling and I fought a lot back then. I think part of it was that neither of us really wanted to be settled-down and married but that we thought we should since we already had a kid together. I know...I know. You people out there are probably thinking that having a kid together is a stupid reason to shackle-up for the rest of your life, but I am from a traditional family and I have been raised with somewhat traditional values that say "A family should always stay together". Anyhow, ten years ago I was working full time at a warehousing company. I worked with all men and they were all young (like under 25 young). I loved my job but hated working with those guys because they were such assholes. I actually had one guy refer to me as the whore all the time and another guy actually would frontal flash me. Not the best environment to work in. Anyhow, I ended up quitting because of all the shit there.

Ten years ago I was much more self-centered, impatient, and I had a big problem with rage. I don't say anger because that word doesn't fit. When I got angry I went on a rage. I would say the most horrible things to those whom I loved and not even remember what I said. I would loose it over the most trivial things...like spilled milk or a flat tire. I was a hellion too. I was a hollerer. I could cuss and scream and berate people with ease, and only once in awhile would I feel any guilt about it. I'm much more calm now. I still get inpatient but I handle it much better than ten years ago. I still occasionally holler at my kids when they are being really naughty or at my husband when he is really being an ass, but for the most part I am much quieter now. I also have more of a set goal in my mind now. Ten years ago I didn't even know myself much less know what I wanted for myself. I knew that I didn't want to spend my life just being a mom, which is fantabulous but I never have felt completely fulfilled in my role as a mom. I knew I didn't want to spend my life working in some factory or as a forklift driver in some warehouse. I wanted something I could be proud of. Something that could stimulate my brain and keep my attention. I have found that in school.

Ten years ago I had such high expectations of others. I have always believed the best about people when I first get to know them. Now I am a bit more cautious. It isn't that I think people are bad...I just think people are not perfect and they will make mistakes and disappoint me. I have become much more forgiving too, of myself and others.

Ten years ago I had high expectations for my kid, and I still do. I wanted everything for her. Everything I never had...and not just material things. I wanted her to have a perfect mom, a clean and comfortable home, a kind and loving father, money for extras, and to live an innocent childhood. My child has had some of those things, but not all. I have come to realize it is the hard things in a person's childhood that shapes their character. My child has a great character. She has grown from a charming three-year-old to a boisterous, fun, intelligent, and sensitive young woman. She is proof that even a seventeen-year-old, poor white trash floozy can do something right. I haven't been a perfect mom, but I have been a good mom. I have made more than my share of mistakes but my child has not only survived but thrived. She is familiar with disappointments, poverty, and arguments. She also is familiar with apologies, hugs, and knowing that no matter what, her mom will always stand up for her.

Ten years ago I thought my marriage was about to end. I had my skeletons, some fairly fresh, and he had his. We have managed to see it through. We still do not know what will become of us. Ours is not a marriage of mutual understanding, true love, or equality. Ours is a marriage grounded in mutual respect, compassion, and loyalty.

Ten years has gone by quickly. Oh, it didn't on a day-by-day basis, but looking back it has gone by quickly. I eagerly look forward to the next ten years when I can remember where I came from and set my eyes to where I am going.