Insomniac's blog

I read somewhere that everyone should remember where they were in life ten years ago. So here's what I remember from ten years ago...

I was about to turn 21. Yep...21. I had just one kid at that time and had only been married for a year and a half. We were living in our old house (which was only a year old) and things were okay. Darling and I fought a lot back then. I think part of it was that neither of us really wanted to be settled-down and married but that we thought we should since we already had a kid together. I know...I know. You people out there are probably thinking that having a kid together is a stupid reason to shackle-up for the rest of your life, but I am from a traditional family and I have been raised with somewhat traditional values that say "A family should always stay together". Anyhow, ten years ago I was working full time at a warehousing company. I worked with all men and they were all young (like under 25 young). I loved my job but hated working with those guys because they were such assholes. I actually had one guy refer to me as the whore all the time and another guy actually would frontal flash me. Not the best environment to work in. Anyhow, I ended up quitting because of all the shit there.

Ten years ago I was much more self-centered, impatient, and I had a big problem with rage. I don't say anger because that word doesn't fit. When I got angry I went on a rage. I would say the most horrible things to those whom I loved and not even remember what I said. I would loose it over the most trivial things...like spilled milk or a flat tire. I was a hellion too. I was a hollerer. I could cuss and scream and berate people with ease, and only once in awhile would I feel any guilt about it. I'm much more calm now. I still get inpatient but I handle it much better than ten years ago. I still occasionally holler at my kids when they are being really naughty or at my husband when he is really being an ass, but for the most part I am much quieter now. I also have more of a set goal in my mind now. Ten years ago I didn't even know myself much less know what I wanted for myself. I knew that I didn't want to spend my life just being a mom, which is fantabulous but I never have felt completely fulfilled in my role as a mom. I knew I didn't want to spend my life working in some factory or as a forklift driver in some warehouse. I wanted something I could be proud of. Something that could stimulate my brain and keep my attention. I have found that in school.

Ten years ago I had such high expectations of others. I have always believed the best about people when I first get to know them. Now I am a bit more cautious. It isn't that I think people are bad...I just think people are not perfect and they will make mistakes and disappoint me. I have become much more forgiving too, of myself and others.

Ten years ago I had high expectations for my kid, and I still do. I wanted everything for her. Everything I never had...and not just material things. I wanted her to have a perfect mom, a clean and comfortable home, a kind and loving father, money for extras, and to live an innocent childhood. My child has had some of those things, but not all. I have come to realize it is the hard things in a person's childhood that shapes their character. My child has a great character. She has grown from a charming three-year-old to a boisterous, fun, intelligent, and sensitive young woman. She is proof that even a seventeen-year-old, poor white trash floozy can do something right. I haven't been a perfect mom, but I have been a good mom. I have made more than my share of mistakes but my child has not only survived but thrived. She is familiar with disappointments, poverty, and arguments. She also is familiar with apologies, hugs, and knowing that no matter what, her mom will always stand up for her.

Ten years ago I thought my marriage was about to end. I had my skeletons, some fairly fresh, and he had his. We have managed to see it through. We still do not know what will become of us. Ours is not a marriage of mutual understanding, true love, or equality. Ours is a marriage grounded in mutual respect, compassion, and loyalty.

Ten years has gone by quickly. Oh, it didn't on a day-by-day basis, but looking back it has gone by quickly. I eagerly look forward to the next ten years when I can remember where I came from and set my eyes to where I am going.