Insomniac's blog

I've got so much school work to do but I have had one hell of a day. Since I know my blogworld buddies love to read about the wonderful, fantabulous life of the Nita, I will tell you all about it.

Today I had one of those epiphany moments. I realized that I am naive and too trusting of what others tell me. Awhile back someone told me something and I believed them. This person went on to embellish the story and I believed everything. Well, today I found out that it was all lies. Oh yeah...I was pissed as all get out at first. I think the worst part is that I had allowed myself to play the fool. I mean, things in the story just weren't adding up. But, instead of questioning the integrity of the story, I just blindly believed it. Hmmmm...perhaps I should be a little more skeptical of others from now on. The thing is that the lie this person told me was just so stupid and totally unneeded. Oh well. I am not all that angry anymore, just disappointed. I'm disappointed in this person and in myself. I have been as forthright and honest as possible with this person and it hurts that I was lied to.

On a happier note, I was asked to be part of a significant committee today. I would be working on a large and important project with a collection of faculty from several different departments at the university I am at as well as another college. The offer was made to me this afternoon and I am tempted to say yes. It would be a time-consuming affair though. Darling doesn't want me to join the committee. He says that I am overly involved in things at school anyway. He just doesn't get it that this is like my career in a way. The more I am involved in and the good work that I do will help me get into a good grad school and help me with my career goals. Darling seems to think I should just put in the minimal amount of work in my classes and not be involved in anything else. That frame of mind doesn't suit me. When I get into one of my classes or projects I tend to throw myself in head first and devote a significant amount of my energy into it. In other words, I don't like to do anything half-ass. So, now the decision is...do I involve myself in another commitment or do I say no and wish later that I had said yes. If I say yes to the committee appointment then Darling will be angry with me but if I say no then I won't be pleased with myself. Oh the conundrum! I don't have long to decide about the committee appointment so I will really have to do some quick thinking.

Anyhow, that's about it for now.

Holy Schnit! I have spent the last little bit reading my own blog. Plyuuuuuck! I can't believe I wrote some of that dribble. Well, no more. Sometimes I wonder what possesses me to bleed my personal shit out onto this thing... Anyhow, no more "poor, poor pitiful me" schtuff. Instead, I will impress you all with some more of my caustic remarks on GVSU, its faculty and students. Take for example the other day when I was getting coffee at the Java City kiosk at Kirkhof. There were two girls, yes, I shall call them girls because they were acting like they were in 7th grade, and these two girls were so damn immature. It was embarassing to admit that they were the same sex as me. Anyhow, here are these two girls...whispering behind their hands to each other and giggling! Good gawd, please grow up. The worst thing is that I knew they were talking about me. I could tell from how one would look at me, quick whisper something to the other lifesize Barbie, and then look at me again. Not only was it rude, but totally uncalled for because I knew I was looking damn good. Perhaps they find it funny that a 30-year-old is actually taking classes. Or, perhaps it was because I added half-n-half to my coffee...who knows? No one can figure out these pop-tarts. You wonder where the term pop-tarts comes from? Well, y'all can thank my FOM for his most excellent analysis of bubble-headed women. Pop-tarts are sweet and pretty but just not very filling. Now me...I'm more like a steak, eggs, and hashbrowns breakfast than a pop-tart. I have substance and I am filling...perhaps a little too fattening and greasy but overall a much better breakfast. Is anyone getting a little hungry?

Sorry, that was kinda of perverse. Anyhow, I am over the "reflections" part of my life, well, at least for now.

I apologize right away for the philosophical and "stream-of-consciousness" manner of this post. I've been thinking a lot lately...and mostly about my life. Awhile back I had a friend tell me that you don't really know what you want in life until you are 30. At the time I was a bit offended at that. I had everything I wanted, well, almost. However, lately I have changed my goals in life a bit. I have a better idea of what, who, and when I want it all in my life. I've always been a goal-driven woman. I never find it hard to make a new goal for myself once I finish my current goal. I know what I want for myself professionally and academically. I want a PhD in American History. I want to study and research the working-class in the 20th century, with particular emphasis on immigration, labor organization, and the economic and social life of the working-class. Eventually I want to get a position as a professor in some smaller university or college where I can be directly involved in with students. I'm working towards that goal. I know it will take me quite a time but I have to do it. I have set the goal and I will work tirelessly towards it. Once I obtain that PhD and the position I desire then I am set in my path in a job I will love, well, most of the time.

Now for who I want...that gets a little difficult. Let me first say that I have a wonderful, faithful, kind and generous husband who loves me more than I love him. It has been so hard for me to admit that...that Darling loves me more than I love him. The guilt involved in admitting this is huge. We have had four beautiful children together. We've spent the last fourteen years together. I'm not going to leave but sometimes I think we are so mismatched. I won't leave because I have this thing in me...call it loyalty or fidelity. I won't throw away a good man and all those years just because I don't love him like I should. I know who I want. I want someone with fire in his heart. Someone who can finish my sentences for me. Someone who is so like me that he never has to wonder about what I'm thinking or feeling. In short, I want my soulmate. Sometimes I think I am a little too female to think along those lines. I mean, has literature and movies influenced the way I think about love? Probably. For a long time I really didn't believe in true love or soulmates or whatever. I thought that most people can find someone to love to one degree or another. Some time ago, however, I met a man who seems to be the one. I will never admit it to anyone though. The anonymity of the blog, even to those who know me who reads this, keeps me safe. I have this feeling though, deep in my gut, that says I will meet this man again years from now. When I do, I will be in a situation where I can seek out what I desire.

So I guess my friend was right when he said that one has to be thirty before one truly knows what they want in life.

Well, where to start? Life is okay. Busy. I finished reading my Shakespeare, wrote a paper for a history class, and did some other school related schtuff. I've decided that the whole idea of full time classes this semester was probably a good thing. It really isn't all that bad as of yet. Since I have nothing too interesting to say and since my lovely blogworld friends like to know about my interactions with Professor Sometimes-A-Jerk, here goes!

This past weekend I had to be at an event in my hometown. Nothing major but I had to dress up a bit more. I don't mind admitting that I thought I looked fairly good for once. The hair was about perfect, the face had few imperfections, no runs in the nylons...not bad, not bad at all. Anyhow, guess who was at the event too? Yep, Professor Sometimes-A-Jerk. I don't know what it is about that man that gets me. I was standing outside talking with two other people when he walked up. I had my long Navy blue dress coat on and Prof SAJ said, "Oh, hey Nita, nice coat." But he didn't say it like he meant it. Instead, it was full of sarcasm, like an insult covered in a compliment. I don't know what possessed me when I said, "What do you mean by that?" Sheesh, that did it, I looked like a shrewish bitch. SAJ answered, "What? Can't I give you a compliment?" Why did I take the bait? Why couldn't I just have said thank you? ARGHHHHH!

Anyhow, a little later on I overheard SAJ talking with a colleague of mine about a research project I am starting up soon. Oh I got pissed off then! You see, I told SAJ a little about it earlier when he was in one of his "nice-guy" moods. I had no idea that he was so low to go behind my back and check up on me! I mean, how totally unethical. Then, back when I needed some advice on the importance of another research topic, I went to SAJ since he is supposed to be some sort of an expert on the area I was going to research. I asked him if it was worth doing the research and if it was good enough to write up an article on. He said no and I let it go. Well, according to what I overheard it sounds like SAJ is stealing one of my research ideas. ARGGHHHHHH! If that man does steal one of my ideas I will hunt him down like the nasty little vermin he is.

So after my brief period of eavesdropping on SAJ, I decided that I simply had to confront him about checking up on my upcoming research without my permission. I walked out of the event with him and asked, "You checking up on me man?" Right away he started making excuses for himself. Hah! He knew right then that he had been busted! I hope it is enough to make him remember to be more ethical.

I went home after it all and was telling Darling about the whole scenario. Darling thinks SAJ wants to sleep with me. What the...? was my response to that. I mean, SAJ seems to take some sick pleasure in tormenting me, why in the hell would he want to sleep with me? I am in no way a "hot" woman or anything close to it, so I can't understand why Darling thinks this man has a thing for me. I asked Darling about it some and he seems to think it is because both SAJ and I run in the same circles, have the same interests, and because I am one of those loud and outspoken women whom men find hard to ignore. I must admit that it kind of gives me the yucks to think that perhaps SAJ has some nefarious means in mind when it comes to me. I have absolutely no interest in him. I think it may be best if I just ignored him or removed myself whenever he is around.

So that's it. Besides my ongoing busy-ness and snarlings with SAJ, not too much to tell y'all.

Alright. I am determined to update at least once a week so here goes...

I am beginning to think that I will graduate and will go on to grad school just to ask that eternal question, "Ya want some fries widdat" for the rest of my life. Sigh...sigh again. My life is just as busy as normal. I'm a little disappointed right now. I organize and coordinate tours of local museums and my current tour didn't get any student sign-ups. I didn't want to do this tour to this particular museum but it kinda got pushed on me. I had to cancel it which I didn't like doing. Oh well. Perhaps it is just too early in the semester for students to do an extracurricular? I don't know.

I am staying on track with all my homework and with my readings for classes. I am petrified of getting behind because if I do I know I won't get caught back up. It is all about keeping my nose above the water line right now and it will be that way until mid-April. I shouldn't sound so pissy about my classes. So far they have been really good, really interesting. I like all my profs on both a personal and professional level too. I think maybe I am just getting a little nostalgic. I am getting down to my last few semesters and then I will put GVSU and all my fellow classmates, friends, and favorite profs behind me. Everything that is familiar and loved will be in the past and I will go on to the unfamiliar and unknown and that is kind of mind-boggling. I can't afford to overthink the future right now. I need to focus on the now. Tomorrow will take care of itself. The best I can do is set myself up for the best possible tomorrow.

Okay, please ignore my nostalgic, philosophical mental meanderings. I'll get some sleep and be a better Nita tomorrow.

Wow. It has been four days since my last posting. You know my semester is in session! Since the last posting life has flown by. On Wednesday night I had my Teaching Writing to Adolescents class. It went well and quickly, which is nice considering it is a three hour class. The class has a nice atmosphere too. All the other students seem to want to be there and most of us have had the prof before for other classes. It is good that he is getting so many second-time-around students. It proves that he is a good prof, plus I have already learned so much about teaching from him. Very good class indeed. It is a lot of work though. I have several blog postings to do (on a seperate academic blog), a portfolio to assemble, and a two-week pedagogy project to do. Plus, he has assigned us to go to a conference in Lansing, Michigan in March. I'm a conference geek so I really do not mind at all.

Thursday was rather easy...just one class. I also had to meet with my special topics in history group for a short conference on what we need to do this semester. Not too much to do for that class and what is required is fun. I get to go talk to a bunch of people and do some archival-digging (research). Other than that, not too much.

Today I had a date with my daughter Myah. For Christmas she got quite a few gift certificates so we went out shopping today. I wanted to take her sooner but with Darling being down and out we really couldn't. So anyhow, one of the gift certificates Myah got was for a complete day at the salon...yep, hair done, manicure, eye-brow wax, and make-up application. She really needs her eye-brows done on a regular basis since she has inherited her dad's amazing uni-brow. The make-up was a decision by her dad too since she is in 8th grade and has been borrowing her friends' make-up. He wanted to make sure that she knew how to apply it, what to use, and what not to do. It was quite a day for her, and for me. Myah went into the salon looking like a little girl and came out looking like a young woman. After the salon, we went to lunch, then to Old Navy to use another gift certificate, then shoe shopping, then make-up shopping. Busy day. Myah had a good time though and so did I. After the fantabulous salon/shopping adventure, I came home and took a nap.

A little while ago my youngest daughter, Princess, dragged out all her Barbies and we re-enacted some of our funny life moments. Myah and I re-enacted the freaky moment she had this week when she got off the school bus. Some 9th grade guy stopped her and said, "Hey Myah...I've been watching you. You wanna go out with me?" Myah kindly refused and basically ran home looking behind her back the whole way. I mean, come on? What kind of psycho pick-up line is that?! "I've been watching you." Eeeeckkkk. It is a good thing she walks from the bus stop to home with a group of about five other kids. Sheesh. If the guy gets too annoying then the big bad-ass momma in me will have to have a word with the guy.

But I have digressed...oh yes, I was telling y'all about the Barbies. Then after Myah's creepy guy re-enactment, we re-enacted what Darling is like when he watches Mistress Football. Hee hee hee! Even my three-year-old, The Boy, got into it. Darling wasn't impressed though...but he was watching football at the time and we were making a lot of noise. Anyhow, Barbie re-enactments are fun.

Oh yeah. I'm living like a college student now. Wondering about the title? Let me explain...I'm sitting here eating Texas Sheet Cake and drinking a Mountain Dew. My lovely mother made me the cake and I am enjoying it. Today was my long day at school. I had my first class at 11:30 this morning...writing history. I had heard rumors that the prof was amazingly difficult and someone said he was a "dick". So I went into class with this preconceived idea that this prof and I may butt heads. Well, during the class today he made references to whorehouses and used some other vulgarities. He had this very slick personality. I liked him immediately. He also gave this long monologue about how difficult this class is and how labor intensive it is. Then he told us that we have a total of four papers...three of them are 2-4 pages long and the final, so-called "big" paper is 10-12 pages. I almost started clapping! Yes...this is good. When he said labor intensive, I was thinking a few 10 page papers and maybe a 20 page final paper. So I am not too intimidated by this class.

My other class tonight was my Shakespeare class. I have this deep antipathy towards Shakespeare. I think it stems from the fact that all of my previous interactions with Shakespeare have been horrible. But, I am trying to give ole Bill a second chance. The prof for the class seems quite young and also quite nice. She is a little eclectic in her personality. I can't quite explain it. I think I'll enjoy this class and prof though. Oh, plus Becky from my Eng 311 class from last summer is in the Shakespeare class. Yeah! And, most of us in the class ride the bus so we talk. The class is one of those that already has a good atmosphere. One where there is no tension and people seem to want to be there. Very nice, very nice indeed.

Oh, almost forgot. I decided to take the bus from the main campus to the other campus where my Shakespeare class is. Now let me tell you, I haven't been on a bus since 7th grade when my brother began driving me to school. Plus I grew up in the back-forty, a.k.a. the country, so I really am ignorant when it comes to using mass-transit. Anyhow, I got on the bus that the schedule said would bring me to a bus stop where I was supposed to wait five minutes, get on another bus, and then go the building where my class is. Needless to say, I missed my bus stop. I got off at the next one and asked a nice young man if any of the busses went to the building I was looking for. He was quite kind and told me that the upcoming bus would take me back to the stop I was supposed to have originally gotten off at. Then I had to walk a very short distance to the pick-up area for the bus that would take me to my building. It was a little confusing for this country bumkin, but I made it to my class...with ten minutes to spare.

So anyhow...aside from the confusion with the busses, everything went well today. I have a class tomorrow night but I know the prof and I've had a class with him before. I emailed him and he said the format is the same as the class I had before so I think my semester, while busy, won't be overly crazy. I was a bit peeved when I came home though. Darling is laying on the couch watching TV and when I tried to tell him about my day he just ignored me and gave me that non-engaged grunt of inattention. Oh well.

People have always said that Myah resembles me, but tonight she acted like me. Earlier this evening I was a little tired so I laid down on the couch to take a little snooze before the mayhem of dinner started. I vaguely remember Myah and Darling arguing about her picking up the doggie-poo in the yard. Myah didn't want to do it. It is kind of a nasty job. Anyhow a little while later I remember Darling asking Myah to make him a pot of coffee. She did. I woke up a little later and made dinner. After dinner I decided to have some Dutch Windmill cookies. These cookies have nutmeg and other spices in them. I like to dip them in black coffee and then eat them. So after dinner I got a cup of black coffee and dipped my first cookie in and took a bite. It tasted a little strange...a little spicier than usual. Myah was watching me intently and asked me how my coffee was. I caught on then. I asked her what she did to the coffee. Myah said she was mad at her dad so she put ground black pepper in the coffee grounds! Oh my gawd! I couldn't help it then...I started to laugh. Myah then told me that her dad had three cups already! Well that only got me laughing harder. Finally Darling asked what was so funny and I told him. Oh he got pissed and grounded Myah to her room. I couldn't help laughing though. Myah did something I would have done if someone pissed me off. I can't help but see the humor in a lot of the silly things the kids do. Even though Myah's act was a little malicious, it really didn't hurt anyone and it was funny. It is good to have one kid like me...

Okay I know I am showing my age, but I couldn't help the title. Yep...sometimes I wonder why I keep adding more crud into my Mount Fuji of schtuff to do. I am applying for a rather nice grant for summer research and part of the grant guidelines state that you must be a full time student. So I have signed up for full time classes. Four classes, other research to finish, a household to run, a temporarily disabled husband, and mountains of testing for my teaching license and a nice scary-big test for grad school...I would say that the next four months are going to be a little eye-twitchingly crazy.

I've been thinking about it though...I am one of those people who operate the best under deadlines and stress. I thrive on stress. I love it. If something happened where all the stress in my life was eliminated, I think I would never get up out of bed. Stress is a great motivator. My classes this upcoming semester are going to cause me a lot of stress. I have a writing history class, a Shakespeare class, a teaching writing to adolescents English class, and my special history class again. All of these classes are upper-level and all require a lot of reading and writing. I guess the readings will allow me to practice the GSS (Grad School Skim) that someone told me I was going to have to perfect if I make it to grad school. Whew though...

Anyhow, on Tuesdays I will have about three hours off at school. Since I don't want to waste the time and gas money to go back home, I will just stay on campus. I can always slug down a few gallons of coffee and perhaps get some homework done. I can't do homework at home. My progeny torment me. Every five minutes someone is either whining for milk or punching someone or playing in something they are not supposed to touch. Don't get me wrong...my kids are normally fairly well-behaved. But, they are kids and they do get themselves into trouble every so often.

The part about the busy school schedule that bothers me the most is that no one at home really understands nor seems to care how busy I am. Darling gets angry when I need to devote time to school work and he gets pissy when I start to doubt myself at the end of every semester. You see, I do this thing about two weeks before every semester ends. I become convinced that I am going to fail my classes, or get a very low grade and screw up my GPA. Then about a week after classes end I get my grades and I did just fine. I justify my freak-out over grades on the fact that I am a serious student who wants to earn those grades.

So anyhow, that's where the title comes in. If you remember the 1980s you may remember that song..."Here I go again on my own...walking down the only road I've ever known. Like a drifter I was born to walk alone. So I made up my mind. I ain't wasting no more time...Here I go again."

I know I have friends around who understand how difficult it can be at times. I have my FOM, the Amazing Raye, and a few others who I can complain to when things get a little too hectic. I miss you guys, by the way. Amazing Raye...I now have classes on Wednesday nights at the main campus. Shall we meet up early some night for a little R-and-R? I reserve one class period for skipping and I would love to have a skip buddy. I also reserve one week a semester for what I call my-week-from-hell. I use that one week, and just that week, to be as pissed off and cranky as possible. I leave that week to hate my classes, ignore my husband, provide just basic care for the kids, and roll my lip up at anyone who dares piss me off more than I already am. The other weeks of the semester I refuse to be negative and pissy.

Anyhow...starting Monday my life will get really, really intense. If I had some Southern Comfort I would sit back and toast the easy life goodbye.

Alright, I know I am a few days late in posting my New Year's Resolutions, but hey? I've decided that procrastination is the key word for this year. Last year was all about being productive. Yep, procrastination is my new theme. I'm kidding. Seriously...I've got a whole bucket full of stuff to do this year. So anyhow, here's my list of New Year's Resolutions:

10. Finish my research article and get it published.

9. Take the GRE (graduate records exam) and get a decent enough score to help me get my wide arse into graduate school.

8. Resume family dance nights. I used to do these free-form, crazy white-girl dances with my kids at least once a week. It was a lot of fun and great exercise. I fell out of it when I became to preoccupied in my academic bubble world.

7. Take one of my kids out alone once a week. Yep, the kids are getting sick of each others' company so I am going to have to have "special" time with each of them alone. Nothing fancy...a trip to the library, a walk, or an ice cream.

6. Paint my living room, move my piano from my mom's to my house, and finish my picture walls. I've been horribly behind in getting my house done as far as painting and decorating it. Plus, if I have to look at white walls for another year I think I may lose it.

5. Not to get my hair cut short. Currently I like my hair...well, most of the time. However, once it gets to a certain length I get this little imp in me who says, "Cut it off Anita. Cut it down to about 2 inches. Oh come on...it will be cute." And then it takes me about two years to grow it back.

4. To spend quiet time with myself. Sometimes, hell most of the time, I neglect my own self because of the demands of school and kids and home. I need to devote an hour or so a week just to smell the proverbial roses.

3. Stay in touch with my friends more. I really need to make an effort to stay connected with my friends. I'm going to try to make it to Arizona to visit my dear friend Marc who I've been friends with for about ten years. I also need to start going for coffee with my BFF, Kate, who I met in 7th grade. I've been friends with Kate for 17 years.

2. I will fly/drive/walk/hitch-hike down to North Carolina to visit the grad schools I am interested in and I will check out the schools and the area.

1. I resolve to get my big butt into the gym more often and on a regular basis. I used to work-out three to four days a week. Then this big project at school came about and I sorta let myself fall out of the routine. I love rowing and the elliptical training machines. I will get back to rowing at least since it is so good for me.

That's it for now. I am sure as the year progresses I will add more and more things to my list.