Insomniac's blog

Okay. Here's the final update on Sweet Nita's life. I've decided to quit the blog. Since I rarely post anymore, there is no reason to keep this up. Plus, I'm finally using Facebook through my school and Facebook has some of the same functions.

So, for the curious, this is what has been happening in my on-going saga...

1. Grad School Interview at Michigan State University...

Yep, I had a grad interview at MSU just before Thanksgiving. I met with the graduate director for the program I am applying for and two of the professors who I may be working with if I get accepted into the program there. All the interviews went extremely well. The one prof who I really want to work with interviewed me for an hour and kept saying things like, "When you are my research assistant..." and "When we are working on your master's thesis..." and so forth. She liked my ideas and my methodology too. The other prof was quite nice and seemed to enjoy our discussions too. The grad director asked me about the other schools I'm applying at and when I told her that I wanted to take Dutch language courses at one of the few schools in the country that offers it, she quickly told me that if I did the courses this coming summer that MSU could pay for them. She went on to explain that MSU does not take a grad student unless they have funding available, which is very nice to know. I sent all the profs I met with thank-you emails and the responses I got back were very encouraging. They seemed impressed with my CV (which is like an academic resume) and the fact that I have presented at two local history conferences and one international conference really impressed them. Plus, the research grant I received last summer seemed to increase my chances of getting more funding in grad school. All very nice. But, since applications are reviewed until about March, I won't hear anything back until then. Now I have to wait...sigh.

2. Upcoming graduation at the ole Grand Valley State University...

Yessirree. In a little over a week, after seven years at GVSU, I will get to walk down the aisle and receive my two Bachelor's degrees. I'm excited but also a little down about it. GVSU, for all its problems, has become like a second home to me. I've made a lot of friends there, learned a lot about myself, and even managed to learn a few important lessons in the courses I took (just kidding...my education was quite good and thorough). It is gonna be a bit sad leaving the place. I will, however, come back next semester for my internship. So, I can still keep in contact with a few people while having the privelege of no longer being a student. Graduation still seems a little surreal though.

3. Kids and such...

Well, the kids and Darling Husband are doing well. Princess is progressing fairly well in kindergarten. She's learning all her letters, numbers, some basic math and word recognition, phonics, and the like. Plus, she is making friends like crazy. I think she has managed to get at least ten new phone numbers of friends in the last two months! What can I say...she is sociable like her mama. The Boy is enjoying his sisters being gone in school. He gets to play with their stuff and gets all the attention all to himself. Plus, I kinda like just some one-on-one time with him. Princess and The Boy are only 14 months apart so he got used to sharing the spotlight. I think he likes to spend time with just me and him. Darling Husband is his normal self. He is working hard and hating it the whole time. He finished one college course and is just about to finish his second. I was kinda surprised at him because he really is enjoying school. He may just end up loving it.

4. Me, personally...

I've been okay lately. I have a lot to do to finish up with school and I am constantly rushed lately. But, I try to maintain a sense of humor about things and I have some very, very good friends who don't mind me complaining to them from time to time. I went to a movie last weekend with my FOM and we had a wonderful time. It was a bit awkward at first because it almost felt like a date...I don't know why either. But, we got over that quite quickly and ended up having a great time just hanging out. My other new guy friend is also a lot of fun to hang out with. We spend a lot of time just discussing a wide variety of issues, especially relating to history since we are both history majors at GVSU. Anyhow, I am tired lately but content. Life is good to me and I have what I truly need...good friends, a comfortable family, a career that I love, enough food, a warm house (which is good in Michigan in November!), and most of all, I have myself. I don't care if it sounds pompous, but I really do love myself. I enjoy my own company and I know who I am and what I am capable of. That's important.

So, to my random collection of blog-world buddies, thanks for reading and I wish you all well in whatever life offers you.

With affection,

Anita

I was reading my friend's blog (The Amazing Raye), and decided to borrow this line from her:

"I found myself recently feeling quite reflective upon where I am in my life and where I'd like to go. It is amazing how much you can still learn about yourself, even at my age, if you just stop bitching for 5 minutes and start listening to your heart. Amazing things happen when you do that."

So, I decided to take five minutes to stop bitching and listen to my inner thoughts. I've come up with the following things I need to do in my life:

1. Stop listening to the pettiness of people who are insecure with themselves and therefore need to make other people feel insecure.

2. Take time to love myself more. Don't get me wrong...I really do like myself, but I seldom take the time to embrace my idiosynchrasies and to let my true self shine. I tend to be an adapter...I become what people would like me to be.

3. To tell a few certain someones how I feel about them. I'm not very good at expressing my emotions, unless I am happy or pissed off, then I seem to have no problem whatsoever. Basically, I have built up a wall around my more feminine or more sensitive emotions and I need to let go of part of that.

4. I need to keep pushing for my goals. Lately I have lost sight of some of my goals...not that I have given them up but just the daily grind has made my goals go to the back burner.

5. Not to fret over the small stuff. Life is too big to worry about little things like zits and "does my ass look too big in these jeans" and what to make for dinner. I need to embrace life in a much larger context than I have lately.

Thanks, Raye, for reminding me to slow down and to think with my heart every so often. Sometimes I am a little too hard-nosed and I loose sight of my own self.

Okay...it has been awhile since I posted a list, so here goes. And, if you couldn't figure out the subject of this list from the title, then you probably shouldn't read my rated R blog.

10. Feet--but only encased in really nice dress shoes like these. Yep, if you are comfortable enough in your manhood to wander about in shoes like this, then you know you are hot.

9. Ears--oh yes, ladies. Ears are important. A little on the smaller side, with a nice earlobe. Oh, and the flatter to the head as possible the better. No, I have no fetishes with ears but I don't like dumbo ears either.

8. Forearms--call me strange, but I find men's forearms fascinating. Not the muscley-veiny forearms loaded with hair, but the strong, smooth forearms.

7. Butts--oh yeah. Ya see, men think that women don't really look at man-butt, but they are so wrong. Man-butt should be firm and slightly squarish. No male ghetto booties or onion butts though.

6. Noses--The length and shape of the nose is said to be a direct correlation to the...well, you get the idea. In other words, no crooked, bulging, or horribly small noses.

5. Hands--I personally like square hands with neatly trimmed and clean fingernails. Long fingers are quite nice too, no nothing overtly sexual in that for me.

4. Chins--Okay, here's my truly strange one, next to #9. I don't like weak chins. Men should have strong, pronounced chins, or at least the sense to grow a beard if they don't have one. Apparently I am not the only woman with an aversion to weak chins. Check this out.

3. Cheekbones--same as the chin comments.

2. Shoulders--Ohhhhh. I think men with wide shoulders are beyond hot. I like V-men. By V-men, I mean men with wide shoulders and narrow waists. However, the narrow waist isn't necessary as long as the shoulders are wide and straight...no hunchbacks are sloped shoulders.

1. Smile--all physical flaws can be forgotten if a man has a genuinely happy or amused smile. I like men whose smiles light up there whole face, right up to the eyes. A honest smile is so much more sexy than the notorious abs or superbly sexy muscley arms. The smile always wins.

Okay, for those out there who do not realize that I was a teenage mom, here goes. My oldest daughter was born when I was 17. She's almost 14 now, so I'll let you do the math on that. Anyhow, Myah (my daughter) started high school on Tuesday this week. At first I wasn't overly concerned. I mean, I was concerned but she is a good kid with a decent head on her shoulders, so I figured that high school wouldn't be too brutal to her. Well, I was feeling a bit more concerned tonight. Nothing major happened, except that Myah went to her first high school football game unchaperoned by me or her dad. Not only that, but after the game she went to the post-game dance at her school. Yikes! I went to fetch her at 11:30 pm and found the parking lot and gym where the dance was completely packed with high schoolers. These people reminded me of my high school days and then I thought about all the shit I got into---the parties, the guys, the drinking, the smoking, well...you get the picture. Now Myah is much better behaved than I was and I like to think I have a better understanding of that time in life than my mom had, but for a moment there I was worried about her. Did I teach her the right things? Did I instill enough morals and personal worth in her so she doesn't make stupid mistakes? Does she know what to do if she is harrassed by some guy? In short, have I been a good mom, good enough to know that my child is safe on her own? I know, perhaps I am being a bit overly dramatic, but I sure hope she turns out to be a lot smarter than I was. To her credit, she did have a good time and she was more than willing to spend the car ride home telling me all about the dance and the few guys she danced with (just fast-dancing, no slow, clingy dancing). That made me feel a bit better because as long as she is willing to tell me things like that, and as long as I don't freak out over the little things, then she should be able to enter adulthood in a normal and healthy fashion.

On a totally and completely unrelated note...and since this is the confessions of a teenage momma queen...lately I have been increasingly aware of a semi-bizarro crush on a certain guy that I have been nursing like a poor man's gin and tonic. No, I will not give any pertinent details since people out there in the internets know me to a certain extent and I don't want anyone trying to line up who I am envisioning. Anyhow, since I am 31 it is totally and completely inappropriate of me to be interested in anyone, minus my husband, but this one guy just seems to do it for me. He is just...mmmmm...yeah, like that. So, any suggestions out there on how to purge myself of an inappropriate crush? Gawd, I am way too old for this shit...

I know. The title sounds like a soap opera but that has been my life these last two weeks. Uber-busy and, while some really shitty things have happened these last two weeks in academia, for the most part things have been going very well. I was invited by a professor friend to present on my immigration research at a conference this fall. Very fantabulous, very fantabulous indeed. Then, I have been working my way through a few difficult and mentally-draining adventures in academia in regards to a few influential people who I managed to piss-off. Not good, but I am attempting to mend those fences.

Darling Husband has discovered my blog (hello Dear!) and has offered me comments on it like "that doesn't sound like you" and "why do you cuss so much?". Well, my blog is like my diary in a way and I purge my mental frustrations on it so sometimes I cuss and sometimes I sound mean and vulgar. And, in defense of myself, sometimes I AM mean and vulgar. Anyhow, I refuse to censor myself here.

I received some wonderful news today! I got a letter in the mail from the one scholarship committee I applied to and I was one of five women in the area to receive a scholarship! I was awarded $800 for the fall semester! That is absolutely fantabulously wonderful! I am honored, shocked, and joyously happy! My parents are kicking in the rest of the tuition so I can finish up my BAs in English and History. I didn't want to ask them and I sought out every other option but nothing was coming through. My parents decided that since I have never asked them for any help with paying for school and that since I have made it thus far without breaking, they felt they should help out a bit. Even though they didn't ask, I will pay them every month until they have been re-embursed. After all, I am 31 and my parents shouldn't have to support my endeavors.

Not too much else going on. Myah has Swimmer's Ear and is recovering from that. Princess has a skin infection and is on antibiotics to get rid of it. Princess has a long list of allergies and this is becoming standard for her. She has been battling different things since she was about a year old. She's pretty tough about it all though. The Boy is fine. He fell on the side of the road while running with flip-flops on and skinned his forehead again. We're getting pretty used to head injuries with him. His head is somewhat bulbous and the rest of him is tall and skinny...like his dad. Well, with The Boy being so top heavy he just seems to land on his forehead a lot He hasn't learned to put his hands down to break his fall yet. Cornbread, my amazingly cute little chihuahua, is his usual boisterious self. He's a full eight pounds of ferocious cuteness.

Okay, enough of my blathering. All hasn't been sunshine and lollypops but the last two weeks haven't been miserable either.

Okay, so I know it has been awhile since I updated this blog thingie. I do, however, have good excuses for my waywardness. Since I am too damn busy (once again) to type out some long and heart-felt post, y'all will have to do with a simple list. In the last week all of the following has taken place in my life:

1. Princess's birthday party fiasco. Yep, it was a horrendous experience and I am beginning to think that Princess's birthday parties are cursed. Princess was born on the fifth anniversary of my Darling Husband's mother's second marriage to Mr. Loser Man. Darling's parents have been divorced for over ten years now. Anyhow, on Princess's third birthday, she fell on a toy and got the nice present of seven stiches just under her chin bone. To find out what happened on Princess's fifth birthday party read below...

2. My wonderful, kind-hearted and easy-going father-in-law had a massive heart attack just as Princess's birthday party got underway. He told me earlier that he wasn't feeling "all that good" and I asked if he would be okay. He assured me that it was just some indigestion and he would be better soon, since it happened the night before too. Anyhow, he did have a massive heart attack and the paramedics had to use the shock paddles on him even. He went to the Big Hospital with the Important Heart Clinic and had an emergency angioplasty. One blood vessel in the lower part of his heart was 99% blocked and there had been significant damage to his lower heart. The doctors are hopeful that it will get better now that the vessel is open again. He is recovering remarkably well, until item number three.

3. Four days after the heart attack, the day after Darling's father went home, he was puttering around in the garden and pulled a muscle in his back. He now has to use a cane until that heals up. Boy, my father-in-law is looking pretty damn old lately to just be 56. I worry about him a lot and I pray that his heart problems will not return.

4. Classes started on Monday night. Ohhh my gawd. The prof I have is THE WORST I have ever had in my entire academic career! He speaks too softly, mumbles on about cognitive psychology, and doesn't let students answer any questions, no small groups whatsoever, and he just rambles on and on and on... It is my final English class at GVSU and I was hoping to finish with a bang. Well, that ain't gonna happen.

5. After my Wednesday class (same class as the one above, we meet twice a week), I had to wait for 20 minutes to catch the back-to-main-campus bus where I was parked. Not cool. Especially in a larger city, late at night, under an overpass, with only two other people waiting with you. Not fun at all. I miss Becky and our entertaining talks on the bus back to main campus after Shakespeare class...sigh.

6. I had to meet with my so-called mentor on Thursday to discuss the progress of my summer research project. He is the type of prof who sometimes is perfectly decent and likeable. Other times he is an arrogant, self-serving asshole. Well, I got a little taste of both on Thursday. First he was fine. He bought me a Dutch almond roll and coffee and we had a nice chat about the progress of my summer research. He seemed slightly impressed and was glad that I had gotten as far as I have (which I don't think is nearly as far as I should be by now). He then proceeded to give me advice on everything from my personal interactions with other profs to my involvement in activities outside of historical research, to my decision to maintain English as a second major, to my career goals, to me being too old to start graduate school...arghhhh!!! What was so frustrating about it was that I didn't ASK for this advice and yet he felt somehwo compelled to offer it up like he was some sort of expert on my life, which he isn't because he barely knows me. I grinned and beared some of it until it got to be too much then I politely told him to basically leave me be on stuff outside of my research on the Dutch immigrants.

7. Had to take the progeny to my dreaded brother and sister-in-law's house for their son's 3rd birthday party. I won't go into details, but let me just say that going there is a little like volunteering for the Spanish Inquisition, being part of a Jerry Springer show, and learning so-called proper parenting techniques from a defunct Dr. Spock. Arghhh, again.

8. Now I am on a mad race to read two chapter of my book on literary theory and then read an entire book on United States immigration history. Wish me luck!

Since I'm not in the mood for some long-winded post, I thought I would just rattle off the few things I have going on. I know, I know. No one out there really cares what I have going on, but this here blog-thingie is my own mental masturbation and thought purging and if you chose to read my meanderings, well then, it is your boredom, not mine.

1. No news on the scholarship yet...getting a little antsy and pissy about it. I have the patience of a trapped monkey.

2. Had lunch with FOM and a great eclectic discussion ranging from the effects of capitalism to movies to gossip about people we know. Oh, and he looked deeeeeee-licious today. mmmm, that man has got it goin' on!

3. Went to a meeting for a special committee I am part of. A little boring and a lot like twittling your fingers for almost two hours. The committee is made up of mostly PhD's who like to talk about what they want to do but fail to actually DO anything. Sigh...

4. Went grocery shopping.

5. Typed up some notes.

6. Cleaned up the house and did some laundry.

Wow. What an exciting and stimulating life I lead! Eventually I will post something profound and uplifting, but for now, I'm basically a happily useless blob of flesh.

YAYYYYYYYY!!! Tonight Darling and I were watching a movie with the kiddies and I got a phone call. It was 9:45pm and since we don't normally get calls that late I was tempted to just let the answering machine pick it up. Well, Darling decided to answer it and I am sure glad he did! It was one of the committee members for the scholarship I applied for and she wanted to ask me some interview questions! I spent just over 20 minutes on the phone with her and I think I answered all her questions fairly good and to the point. I didn't mislead anything and I was forthright with the hard questions. I even got her laughing and chit-chatting with me for awhile about the state of education in the public high schools in Michigan (she is a retired school teacher). She asked me questions like "What is going to be the most difficult part of the next school year for you?" and about my career goals and ambitions. I told her at one point in the telephone interview that I didn't really believe in dreams because dreams are something that when you lay your head down at night they appear out of nowhere and don't require anything of you personally, instead I believe in goals because a goal is something you must work for and people don't work for the things they don't want. She also asked me if I had a problem with speaking to a group about the scholarship and being a sorta spokesperson for the scholarship program. I couldn't help myself and I started laughing. I told her that public speaking was defintely NOT a problem for me and, as a matter of fact, sometimes people have to tell me to shut up. I don't have a problem with being a sorta poster-child for the scholarship program because it is run by a group of professionals who are mostly women and they aren't endorsing some company or anything.

Anyhow, it sounds like I am in the running for the scholarship. Very nice, very nice indeed! Woohooooooo!!! And, a big fantabulous thank you to all who have prayed and thought about me and this scholarship. Apparently the well-wishing has worked thus far!

Well, the techno-peasant-ness got me. I did manage to scan, load, and get these pictures on the blog, but I didn't figure out how to have them appear on the sidebar. So here's the damn link. Perhaps when I am in a better, and more patient, mood I will try to fool with it so the photos will show up on the sidebar.

BE FOREWARNED...NOT APPROPRIATE FOR THOSE WHO RECENTLY ATE, THOSE WITH HEART CONDITIONS, OR PREGNANT WOMEN!!!

I need money. And, I need it soon. Why? My fall tuition at the ole GVSU is due in August and as of right now, I don't have it. I have no idea where the money is going to come from either. Darling and I had enough money in the savings account to cover at least my fall tuition, but with him being on Workman's Comp (a type of disability pay), we had to use it to cover our bills and what not. Darling took home about half of what he made when he normally works regular hours and then you times that by almost five months off of normal pay...and whaalaaahhhh! No monies. So, I am busily applying for scholarships from local sources in a vain attempt to find enough money to pay for fall tuition. Even if I find enough money to pay for fall tuition, I still have no idea where the money for the winter tuition will come from.

I only have fall and winter semesters and then I am done with my undergrad. I can't get any more in loans because we always took the maximum we could so I could pay for tuition, books, and for my car payment so I could actually get to school. Sigh... It is so frustrating to get this close and then maybe lose it all. The worst thing is that I can't take a semester off to save up money because GVSU limits catalogs to seven years. I started at GVSU in 1999 so I have to finish my undergrad by the end of the 2006-2007 school year...in other words, next April. And, because I have student assisting and student teaching left to do, I really cannot get a job to help offset expenses because I will be swamped with all of the in-school time and seminars that are required by GVSU for the teacher prep courses. ARGHHHHH!

Anyhow, I have applied for one scholarship and I hope and hope some more that it comes through so I can maybe go through the fall semester. I really don't know what to do and if none of these scholarships pan out by August then I am screwed and screwed hard. I mean, what the fuck? I am a good student and I am involved in a ton of stuff and yet I can't finish my degrees because I am, unfortunately, part of the working poor (well, at least my husband is!). I'm really getting a little bit freaked out by this all. The one scholarship that I am applying for would cover 3 credits and the other I'm not sure about. I have 15 credits lined up for the fall semester. I may drop it down to 12 though and then I would have 15 credits for the winter semester.

These scholarship essays are hard to write too. Not so much because I can't write well enough, but more because you have to sell yourself so much and I have a hard time telling people that I am great, probably because I'm not any greater than the next woman who is applying for a scholarship. Oh God...I am so on edge about all of this. And poor Darling, he doesn't know what to do. It wasn't his fault that he got hurt and had to use the savings to pay our bills and feed our kids. Now granted, we are not too penny-pinching, but now we will have to.

Cross your fingers and send all hope my way for money or scholarships or both. God knows I need to find a way to finish my tenure at GVSU.